Janmashtami 2011

Happy Janmashtami! This post is late and unfortunately this time I have no photos to upload but let me tell you something you already know - it was breathtakingly beautiful.

The best part was that I got to take my grandmother and uncle with me. I have been so eager for them to come and see the empty halls that become beautiful with the presence of Krishna, His associates and His devotees. It truly is the Lord's mercy because I am always keen to take my grandmother out on festivals but I don't always get the chance to do so.

Anyway, we couldn't stay very long so we just planned to take darshan. And I also desperately wanted some of that glorious charnamrit! Yum yum. So we entered the hall, and I was feeling good to be amongst devotees again after so long in this festive atmosphere. Then I started to hear the kirtan that was going on, and my heart started to swell. We took darshan of Krishna and I found tears in my eyes. How does this happen? Everytime I go to the hall feeling normal and fine and when the kirtan starts and Krishna appears before me in His infinite glory, I am just taken in. Then I want to stare and stare and beg Him to love me even though I know He does. I wanted to stay there forever. It just felt so amazing to be there!

Darshan ended quickly as there was a really big crowd so we had to keep moving. Then we got amazing prasadam and I got my long desired charnamrit! Ooh I can taste it now. I never liked it before but now I am just crazy about it! It's the best!

There were many devotees doing seva like handing out gifts, prasadam, and keeping everyone's shoes/sandals in a bag. It was so endearing to see little kids of 10 years doing their bit to help out. The Lord is so merciful that He has engaged them in serving Him like this. When we were taking back our sandals, this one devotee did something so sweet. The person volunteering to give back sandals emptied out the bag and so our sandals were on the floor. My grandmother turned over my sandals and I wore them and the next thing I knew, I saw a devotee bending down turning over my grandmother's sandals and helping her wear them! She didn't really need the help but he thought she did and without hesitation he proceeded to help her. Now this was truly amazing for me to see because since I have OCD, the idea of touching shoes and sandals, that too someone else's, really puts me in an anxious state. And here was this devotee of the Lord, looking to serve another devotee. And he wasn't worrying about germs. He didn't care that they were someone else's sandals. To him, he just wanted to serve and help. My grandmother too was touched by the act. I was simply amazed. It's really true what they say about kind deeds - no matter how small they are, they sure do go a long way. I have no idea who that devotee is but may Krishna bless his heart.

This Janmashtami reminded me that I needed to spend more time with Krishna and it also gave me something to think about with regards to my OCD. Sometime ago, I was praying for good health and I felt like something inside me said that on Janmashtami, the birth of Krishna, I will also have a new birth. I took this to mean that all my health problems will go away since that's what I was praying for at the time. But now I'm starting to think perhaps it was more a spiritual rebirth. Maybe the idea of rebirth was just in my head and not really the Lord promising me something, but on Janmashtami, I realized that I still have a connection with Krishna even though I haven't spent a lot of time with Him lately and He is still resting in my heart. I haven't felt an emotional connection with Him in a long time, and that was just a such nice gift from Him on Janmashtami. Moreover, it was really crazy the things I had to do that day! Like walking barefeet! That is something I haven't done in a really long time because obviously I dread the idea of germs even on my feet. But the Lord gave me enough strength to do it. And later, a flower they gave us at the program fell on the floor, and of course, I dread picking up things that have fallen on the floor. Even if I pick them, I try not to touch the part that touched the ground. But this was a flower. Plus it was used in Krishna's service. If anything, instead of becoming dirty, it would purify me. So I picked it up and didn't bother about which side had touched the ground. Again, my strength comes from Krishna. He says in the Gita that He is the strength of the strong, and the only way I can be strong is through Him. So you see, He helps me in these ways to get over my fears, and from time to time, he rekindles our relationship tirelessly, despite the countless number of times that I put the flame out. And I know that He will always do so for us, out of His unconditional love.

I hope all of you had a blessed Janmashtami too. Share your Janmashtami stories in the comments section if you please :)

OCD: "The 30-Second Pause" + "I will worry about you later!"

I am pleased to say that the anxiety is getting easier to handle. Thank You, Lord. But my body seems to be feeling ill and I need some rest and recuperation.

Anyway, I have come up with a new technique to stop thoughts turning into obsessions which I like to call "30 Second Pause". In Psychology 101, we learned that it takes about 30 seconds to move information from our short term memories into our long term memories. So when a thought occurs to me, I try to think about something else as soon as I have the thought. Sometimes I even simply count from 1-30 with full concentration. Sometimes, counting in another language helps concentrate better. I try to keep myself thinking about something else for 30 seconds at least. And usually, this works for me. Even if the thought recurs, it is not as obsessive and I don't dwell on it for days. And when the thought recurs, distract yourself again for at least 30 seconds. It prevents the thoughts from shifting into your long term memory so it makes it rather easier to forget. Think about it this way - when you're studying for an exam, you keep repeating the information until you memorize it. And you can often remember this for months and years. That's what I think happens with obsessive thoughts - thinking about it constantly just leads to thinking about it more and then it stores itself in our long term memory so even weeks and months (sometimes years) later I still remember things that caused me stress and anxiety. If it's hard for you to distract yourself for long, then try with 10 seconds first and then gradually work your way up. Obviously the longer the better!

Another neat technique is telling yourself that you will worry about it later. This really helps! Because it's like, I'm not denying myself from thinking about it. There is a problem, and I am only trying to solve it by working it out in my head. So if I tell myself to stop thinking about it, the problem is going to nag me even more saying, "Solve me! Solve me!" So I just say, "Yes yes I will get it you but in a while!" So you keep delaying the thoughts, saying you will worry about it later. Again, it's like studying for an exam. If you say, "I'm not going to study," you will end up stressing out even more because how can you afford to not study for an exam? But if you say, "I will study in an hour," it makes you feel in control and like you've got a plan. And OCD is pretty much about control issues isn't it? So at first, tell yourself you will worry about it 10 minutes later, and then gradually increase the delay. It's sort of like procrastinating about worrying. When the thoughts come back, again say you will worry about it later. Soon you will forget about it!

The thoughts will definitely keep recurring so keep using these tricks to push them out whenever you have the thoughts. Both of these tricks have proven to be very useful for me. It takes practice of course and some times it's harder than usual, but perseverence is key!