As promised, here I am starting a study of the Bhagavad Gita and applying it to OCD (and other undesirable physical/mental states, if you will).
I would like to mention here that the information that will follow in this series of discussions is in no way authorized by Vaishnava scholars. It is most definitely not a literal interpretation. It is simply an attempt to take Lord Krishna's words seriously and use the knowledge He has distributed to overcome problems in my life. Readers can similarly fill in the blanks with their own personal problems and try to approach it through the lens of the Gita. I have searched online for such an application of the Gita's wisdom but never found any. Similarly, lots of search results have appeared on my blog, looking for advice from the Gita with regards to OCD. Thus I hope and pray this will be a learning experience for me as well as fellow sufferers who are seeking support from Krishna and the Gita. I hope this does not offend anyone in any way and beg your forgiveness if I accidentally do so in the future. In which case I would appreciate being made aware of my errors so I can correct them.
Before I begin, I would just like to say a little prayer: Dear Krishna, I want to thank you for you have mercifully given us this eternal knowledge in the form of this scripture known as the Bhagavad Gita. I am starting a new study of it, applying your teachings to overcome my poor health and OCD. Lord, please help me to understand your teachings and to apply them well. Please help me to avoid offending you or anyone else. Please let this be a great learning experience for all those who take part in it and let it strengthen our faith in you. I pray, God, that we may be able to overcome these problems with your help. Lord, fill us with divine revelations from you through this study and give us the senses to hear, see and understand you. I realize that your pure devotees do not have any requests from you, except devotional service, but I am far from being a pure devotee. I am in distress and I have come seeking your refuge. Please give me shelter at your feet, Lord, for there is no one for me but you.
Text:
I am going to be referring to Bhagavad Gita As It Is by AC Bhaktivedanta Swami Srila Prabhupada. A good website for it is: www.asitis.com
Bhagavad Gita Verses 1-20
Dhritarastra is asking Sanjaya about what is taking place on the battlefield who sees it through his special gift of vision. He describes the armies on the battlefield to Dhritarastra.
So here we are, ready to fight. The question is: did you choose Krishna to be on your side or did you choose His army? If you chose for Krishna to be on your side, let me tell you now, you will emerge victorious. This is Krishna's promise to us. Let us get ready now to face the demons, with Krishna on our side to guide us and support us. As Sanjaya describes the armies are on the battlefield, ready for war. So right now, let's step onto the battlefield, ready to take on OCD.
Our army comprises of Krishna, knowledge, light, truth, balance, sensibility, rationality, humility, patience and tolerance.
The opposing army comprises of our problems, OCD, poor health, illnesses, stress, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, and lack of will power.
The opposing army is strong. They have proven to be victorious over and over. Duryodhana believes that our side is limited in strength and prowess and that the enemy will surely emerge victorious once again like they have over many others before. Like Duryodhana wanted to rule over the Pandavas and their kingdom, our problems want to take over us. They do not want us to be free. Many people have given over their lives to illnesses and depression. Some have given up their lives because of it. Others have lost their lives to it. But we shall do neither of these. Krishna is on our side and we will emerge victorious, no matter what Duryodhana or OCD or our problems think!
The war is about to begin. We are about to take on the enemy. Everyone draws their conch shells, signifying the start of the battle. The conch shells of the opposing army are no doubt mighty, but the conch shell of Krishna is the mightiest of all! Thus when our army blows the conch shells, it shatters the heart of the enemy (BG 1.19). OCD, illness and depression don't stand a chance against us. Already just with the blowing of the conch shells, they have weakened. Victory belongs to those who surrender to Krishna!
But like Arjuna stumbled before them, hesitating to fight them, will we? Should we? Should we also refuse to fight in the battle and simply give up? We'll find out in the next post!
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Thursday, 6 October 2011
A Letter to Krishna
Dear Krishna,
I miss you. Its been such a long time since I felt close to you. Like always, its my fault. I don't spend enough time with you and getting to know you. Do you miss me too Krishna? I know you do. You always do. But why do you stay so far away from me sometimes? Why do you make me long for you like this?
Things have been hard for me lately. With this OCD, and weak physical condition, every day has become difficult. But this must be part of your plan for me. It must be necessary for me so that I can become the person that you want me to be, so that I can realize my true spiritual identity, and so that I can learn to depend on you and trust you. You didn't hide this misery from us. From the beginning you told us that this world is dukhalayam asasvatam - full of miseries. You told us that while we are in this material world, we will experience birth, disease, old age and death. So this was no secret. Of course. You would never hide anything from us.
Despite knowing this, I still waste my time trying to find material happiness instead of trying to find you. But Gopinath, do you think I am being too materialistic when I ask you for things? I should hope not. I wouldn't want to disappoint you and put to waste all the time and effort you spent on molding me. While I am in this material world, I am going to have needs. You understand this of course. That's why you have so mercifully given us ways to make our material desires spiritual ones by keeping you in the center. It is not easy to do this all the time because I still have a long way to go on this path to being able to even be called a devotee of Lord Krishna. So I will admit I still have many material desires. And I almost always beg you to grant my wishes. If I don't come to you, if I don't ask you, then whom shall I ask? There is no one for me but you. Forgive me Lord for asking you for so much all the time. Every day I have a new demand. But Krishna, just like you waited for Sudama to ask you to fulfill his needs, I know you expect us to come to you with our needs.
I cannot compare myself to Sudama, I know. But I am trying to learn from your leelas. Am I your friend, Lord? Are you mine? You are the Eternal Friend of every soul in this entire creation. And as your friend, my dear dear Govinda, I am asking you to be my release, to be my guide, to provide for me, to support me, to stay by my side, to protect me and to help me love you forever. If you think of me as your friend, Gopinath, please consider my requests. In the Gita, you say that the reasons one approaches you is either (1) due to distress, (2) due to desire of wealth, (3) out of curiosity and (4) to know the absolute truth. My Lord, I have come before you now because I am in distress and I desire for you to provide for me.
I am tired of this weak physical condition. I am tired of having OCD. It depresses me so much that I do not have a job while all my friends do. I know earlier I wanted a job simply because all my friends had one and I didn't. And I'm glad you didn't give me a job at that time because that is a terrible attitude to have. It is selfish. It would feed my ego. Then when I got a job, it was low paying. Again, it was much lesser than my friends were getting. But again, I am glad about it because that too would have fed my ego about how much money I had. But Gopal, I had to quit that job. I had to quit. After 9 months of trouble finding a job, struggling with OCD and failing health, I finally found the perfect job. But I had to quit because of the washrooms. It hurts so bad Gopinath it hurts so bad. The morning after I quit I woke up feeling the deepest regret - thinking I should have gone to work and tried to use the washroom again, should have tried to adjust to it... I should have. I would have still had my job, I would have fallen in love with my job, I would have earned money at the end of the month and donated some to propagate Krishna Consciousness, and helped pay for my sister's university fees, helped my family... But I had to quit, Gopinath. And I feel so much regret. I wish I was stronger than this.
But I am starting to think that it all happened so fast. And that it was all your desire. It was your will. Not even a blade of grass moves without your sanction so how could this have happened if it wasn't in your desire? My Lord, you have your reasons for this which I cannot see right now but I trust that it will be revealed to me in time.
I trust you Krsna. Lately I've been seeing a lot of reminders of you. On the first day of work, I saw a devotee chanting in the metro. That was new! I never saw any devotees in the metro before. Then day before yesterday while driving, I saw a devotee chanting in the car in the lane on my left! Again, this was something completely new. Yesterday, I asked you for a sign to give me hope about my job and to release me from these feelings of regret. I asked you to give me a sign so I would know that your plan for me is in action and you have a job in my future. And I saw a devotee from my Gita class (which was also supposed to be yesterday) at the hypermarket. I have rarely ever seen devotees outside. And it was a big shocker since Gita class was supposed to have been going on at that hour. Maybe it was cancelled, I don't know. But I felt like it was a sign from you, Krsna, reminding me of you and of your family of devotees.
You have made me realize that this is not a competition. It is not a race. I don't need to earn a salary that is higher than that of my friends. And I thank you for this realization. While some of my friends have reached the top with little effort, perhaps I am one of those people who needs to work hard and struggle to get there. No complaints, Gopinath, for it is your divine will. All I ask is your company. Just stay with me and I will fight this war.
Oh Madhava, please help me find a job that will suit me perfectly in every way, and which will not hamper my devotional service to you. Lord, help me overcome these feelings of regret. Krsna, heal me of these ailments and make me well again. Please God. I beg you. There is no one to help me but you. You are my only friend and you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Please fill me with the spirit of your devotion. Fill me with your love and faith. I thank you for all the blessings in my life and I thank you for the blessings I know you will continue to pour on me. Forgive me for having upset you so many times. I love you, Krsna. I trust you with my heart and soul. Please stay close to me, my beautiful Madhava. Stay close to my heart and love me always.
Sincerely,
Your daughter
I miss you. Its been such a long time since I felt close to you. Like always, its my fault. I don't spend enough time with you and getting to know you. Do you miss me too Krishna? I know you do. You always do. But why do you stay so far away from me sometimes? Why do you make me long for you like this?
Things have been hard for me lately. With this OCD, and weak physical condition, every day has become difficult. But this must be part of your plan for me. It must be necessary for me so that I can become the person that you want me to be, so that I can realize my true spiritual identity, and so that I can learn to depend on you and trust you. You didn't hide this misery from us. From the beginning you told us that this world is dukhalayam asasvatam - full of miseries. You told us that while we are in this material world, we will experience birth, disease, old age and death. So this was no secret. Of course. You would never hide anything from us.
Despite knowing this, I still waste my time trying to find material happiness instead of trying to find you. But Gopinath, do you think I am being too materialistic when I ask you for things? I should hope not. I wouldn't want to disappoint you and put to waste all the time and effort you spent on molding me. While I am in this material world, I am going to have needs. You understand this of course. That's why you have so mercifully given us ways to make our material desires spiritual ones by keeping you in the center. It is not easy to do this all the time because I still have a long way to go on this path to being able to even be called a devotee of Lord Krishna. So I will admit I still have many material desires. And I almost always beg you to grant my wishes. If I don't come to you, if I don't ask you, then whom shall I ask? There is no one for me but you. Forgive me Lord for asking you for so much all the time. Every day I have a new demand. But Krishna, just like you waited for Sudama to ask you to fulfill his needs, I know you expect us to come to you with our needs.
I cannot compare myself to Sudama, I know. But I am trying to learn from your leelas. Am I your friend, Lord? Are you mine? You are the Eternal Friend of every soul in this entire creation. And as your friend, my dear dear Govinda, I am asking you to be my release, to be my guide, to provide for me, to support me, to stay by my side, to protect me and to help me love you forever. If you think of me as your friend, Gopinath, please consider my requests. In the Gita, you say that the reasons one approaches you is either (1) due to distress, (2) due to desire of wealth, (3) out of curiosity and (4) to know the absolute truth. My Lord, I have come before you now because I am in distress and I desire for you to provide for me.
I am tired of this weak physical condition. I am tired of having OCD. It depresses me so much that I do not have a job while all my friends do. I know earlier I wanted a job simply because all my friends had one and I didn't. And I'm glad you didn't give me a job at that time because that is a terrible attitude to have. It is selfish. It would feed my ego. Then when I got a job, it was low paying. Again, it was much lesser than my friends were getting. But again, I am glad about it because that too would have fed my ego about how much money I had. But Gopal, I had to quit that job. I had to quit. After 9 months of trouble finding a job, struggling with OCD and failing health, I finally found the perfect job. But I had to quit because of the washrooms. It hurts so bad Gopinath it hurts so bad. The morning after I quit I woke up feeling the deepest regret - thinking I should have gone to work and tried to use the washroom again, should have tried to adjust to it... I should have. I would have still had my job, I would have fallen in love with my job, I would have earned money at the end of the month and donated some to propagate Krishna Consciousness, and helped pay for my sister's university fees, helped my family... But I had to quit, Gopinath. And I feel so much regret. I wish I was stronger than this.
But I am starting to think that it all happened so fast. And that it was all your desire. It was your will. Not even a blade of grass moves without your sanction so how could this have happened if it wasn't in your desire? My Lord, you have your reasons for this which I cannot see right now but I trust that it will be revealed to me in time.
I trust you Krsna. Lately I've been seeing a lot of reminders of you. On the first day of work, I saw a devotee chanting in the metro. That was new! I never saw any devotees in the metro before. Then day before yesterday while driving, I saw a devotee chanting in the car in the lane on my left! Again, this was something completely new. Yesterday, I asked you for a sign to give me hope about my job and to release me from these feelings of regret. I asked you to give me a sign so I would know that your plan for me is in action and you have a job in my future. And I saw a devotee from my Gita class (which was also supposed to be yesterday) at the hypermarket. I have rarely ever seen devotees outside. And it was a big shocker since Gita class was supposed to have been going on at that hour. Maybe it was cancelled, I don't know. But I felt like it was a sign from you, Krsna, reminding me of you and of your family of devotees.
You have made me realize that this is not a competition. It is not a race. I don't need to earn a salary that is higher than that of my friends. And I thank you for this realization. While some of my friends have reached the top with little effort, perhaps I am one of those people who needs to work hard and struggle to get there. No complaints, Gopinath, for it is your divine will. All I ask is your company. Just stay with me and I will fight this war.
Oh Madhava, please help me find a job that will suit me perfectly in every way, and which will not hamper my devotional service to you. Lord, help me overcome these feelings of regret. Krsna, heal me of these ailments and make me well again. Please God. I beg you. There is no one to help me but you. You are my only friend and you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Please fill me with the spirit of your devotion. Fill me with your love and faith. I thank you for all the blessings in my life and I thank you for the blessings I know you will continue to pour on me. Forgive me for having upset you so many times. I love you, Krsna. I trust you with my heart and soul. Please stay close to me, my beautiful Madhava. Stay close to my heart and love me always.
Sincerely,
Your daughter
Monday, 3 October 2011
I quit
I quit my job.
I could not even last a day there!
I cannot even begin to express how upset I am about the whole situation. The office itself was great. Since it was my first day, the whole office took me to the restaurant downstairs for a welcome lunch. Everyone was awfully nice to me. As soon as they saw me they came over to introduce themselves to me. The office and job was really perfect. I could wear casual clothes and sandals to work! So I wouldn't even worry about dirtying my "good clothes".
But alas... The office washroom had to be pathetic. And believe me it was not just my perception of the washroom. The bathrooms really were very bad. It seemed obvious that they invested in style rather than performance and functionality. So appearance wise they were clean and stylish but very difficult and uncomfortable to use.
To stay at the job, I thought I'd look for other better washrooms nearby. I checked the hotel washroom, the one in the next office building, and also the one next to that. All of them seemed to have been designed with the same protocol in mind: that of looking good. Pipes were leaking, buttons requiring immense strength, splashing faucets, water pressure all wrong... Oh it was a nightmare!
After my first day at work ended, I got home and sent out a long, confidential email honestly telling my bosses that I was diagnosed with OCD and while it was under control, the environment outside of the office was aggravating my situation and I cannot take up this job. They were very nice about it and said that my health is priority and that they were disappointed to see me go. I am disappointed too. After 9 months I had finally found a good job at a great, warm and welcoming office. Sadly due to bad facilities I had to leave.
Trust me, I feel so stupid even saying that I left my job because of poor functioning washrooms. It seems so silly! If there was a way to work around it I would have stayed. I felt really stupid swapping washrooms too. Like the one in the lobby had a tiny sink. So I would use the tiny sink for the time being and then go upstairs and use the bigger sink in the office washroom to wash my hands again till I felt clean. Same problem with the other building washrooms. My skin had terrible red cuts, burns and sores from using the strong soap in their washrooms so much. I kept going back and forth from one washroom to another, feeling unbearably filthy all day long.
Being the way that I am, I feel a sense of regret, thinking what if I tried again and I could just force myself to use the facilities and get used to it. But if I stayed at the job, I would end up feeling disgusting everyday. I would get used to it in the office but as soon as I came home, I would have to handwash my clothes, shower again (which takes 1-1.5 hours just by the way), and end up sleeping late and then wake up a few hours later (at 3 AM) to shower again to make it on time for work.
And I don't want that kind of a life.
So I quit.
One of the reasons I decided to work was so that I would be put in situations where I have to interact with others, and so I would be forced to use a washroom outside of my house. But it's so unfair that I would be made to use a washroom that doesn't even fit normal standards! If it was a normal, well functioning washroom, I would not have complained like this. And I still would have had a job.
In a way it was an eye opener. Being in a bad situation yesterday made me realize how much better I have it at home even though I used to complain about it. In a way it was a blessing because now I feel slightly relaxed to be using washrooms that I feel a little comfortable in.
Anyway, today is a new day so I'm going to start my job hunt again. Oh Krishna, please help me find a good job in an environment I will be comfortable in.
I could not even last a day there!
I cannot even begin to express how upset I am about the whole situation. The office itself was great. Since it was my first day, the whole office took me to the restaurant downstairs for a welcome lunch. Everyone was awfully nice to me. As soon as they saw me they came over to introduce themselves to me. The office and job was really perfect. I could wear casual clothes and sandals to work! So I wouldn't even worry about dirtying my "good clothes".
But alas... The office washroom had to be pathetic. And believe me it was not just my perception of the washroom. The bathrooms really were very bad. It seemed obvious that they invested in style rather than performance and functionality. So appearance wise they were clean and stylish but very difficult and uncomfortable to use.
To stay at the job, I thought I'd look for other better washrooms nearby. I checked the hotel washroom, the one in the next office building, and also the one next to that. All of them seemed to have been designed with the same protocol in mind: that of looking good. Pipes were leaking, buttons requiring immense strength, splashing faucets, water pressure all wrong... Oh it was a nightmare!
After my first day at work ended, I got home and sent out a long, confidential email honestly telling my bosses that I was diagnosed with OCD and while it was under control, the environment outside of the office was aggravating my situation and I cannot take up this job. They were very nice about it and said that my health is priority and that they were disappointed to see me go. I am disappointed too. After 9 months I had finally found a good job at a great, warm and welcoming office. Sadly due to bad facilities I had to leave.
Trust me, I feel so stupid even saying that I left my job because of poor functioning washrooms. It seems so silly! If there was a way to work around it I would have stayed. I felt really stupid swapping washrooms too. Like the one in the lobby had a tiny sink. So I would use the tiny sink for the time being and then go upstairs and use the bigger sink in the office washroom to wash my hands again till I felt clean. Same problem with the other building washrooms. My skin had terrible red cuts, burns and sores from using the strong soap in their washrooms so much. I kept going back and forth from one washroom to another, feeling unbearably filthy all day long.
Being the way that I am, I feel a sense of regret, thinking what if I tried again and I could just force myself to use the facilities and get used to it. But if I stayed at the job, I would end up feeling disgusting everyday. I would get used to it in the office but as soon as I came home, I would have to handwash my clothes, shower again (which takes 1-1.5 hours just by the way), and end up sleeping late and then wake up a few hours later (at 3 AM) to shower again to make it on time for work.
And I don't want that kind of a life.
So I quit.
One of the reasons I decided to work was so that I would be put in situations where I have to interact with others, and so I would be forced to use a washroom outside of my house. But it's so unfair that I would be made to use a washroom that doesn't even fit normal standards! If it was a normal, well functioning washroom, I would not have complained like this. And I still would have had a job.
In a way it was an eye opener. Being in a bad situation yesterday made me realize how much better I have it at home even though I used to complain about it. In a way it was a blessing because now I feel slightly relaxed to be using washrooms that I feel a little comfortable in.
Anyway, today is a new day so I'm going to start my job hunt again. Oh Krishna, please help me find a good job in an environment I will be comfortable in.
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