So I logged on to www.krishna.com and there was a verse quoted:
"Abandon all varieties of religion and just surrender unto Me. I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions. Do not fear." BG 18.66
How appropriate, no? It was like Krishna was literally guiding me. But being as foolish as I am, I still remained skeptical for the next 2 days, praying again and again for Krishna and/or God to reveal Himself, and reveal the truth to me. I was literally frustrated for those 2-3 days, losing my interest in chanting, losing interest in praying, worshipping, etc. I was just fed up. I was like, how can I worship God when I don't even know Him? I didn't see the use of chanting, but I still did it anyway.
Then somehow I experienced a change of heart. I don't know what happened or how it happened, but I started to swell with love for Krishna. Somehow, this desire to make my own little altar for Krishna made itself apparent. I started feeling devotional again, despite my efforts not to! This just reminds me of how even though we might forget Krishna, He never forgets us.
After this I just forgot all my doubts and questions and fell in love with Krishna all over again, without even trying. It's like Krishna's love bloomed like a lotus in muddy water. Hari Hari. Forgive me, Lord, for questioning You all the time. You are my only worship-able Lord.
On Sunday this past week, Krishna again showered mercy on me though I was completely undeserving. Something had happened and I was enraged. It was one of those days where everything was going wrong and like, important things were broken, nothing was going right, I was under mental stress, etc. I'm not going to explain in detail what happened, but something was not working the way it was supposed to. I tried to fix it but in vain. I got so mad. In a fit of rage, I said to Krishna, "You do not have an ounce of love for me today! Today, You do not love me! You have no mercy for me! Everything is going wrong. Why are You troubling me so much today?" The rage got worse and amidst tears I said to Krishna, "If You do not help me, if You do not fix things for me, I will never pray to You again!"
You can guess what happened next. I tried to fix it again, and it actually got fixed. I felt humbled and grateful to Krishna but this did not last long. A few minutes later, something else was broken and wouldn't work properly. Again, the same thing happened.
"Why are you troubling me so much today? If You do not help me fix this, I will not come to You again!"
After that I sort of understood how to fix it and it actually worked. Again, I felt humbled. I felt grateful. I felt remorseful. I lashed out at Krishna and He still helped me, even though I was completely undeserving. The Lord's mercy knows no bounds. Even in bouts of anger, He is always loving.
Today I was thankful to Krishna for something, so I said to Him out loud, "I love You." I felt such a great feeling of freedom and peace. It felt amazing. You should definitely try it. Just think of nothing but Krishna. Say it with feeling, say it from the heart. Just tell Him you love Him. Say out aloud, "I love You, Krishna!" I couldn't stop saying it after that. I just said it right from the heart and it felt so blissful. I said it again and again and again, with the amazing feeling not deteriorating at all.
Krishna's love. Oh His love!
Haribol.
I LOVE KRISHNA!!!!
ReplyDeleteThere, i said it!
:)
I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU KRISHNA!
I AM A SURRENDERED LOVER KRISHNA!!!
:)
Actually, i was wondering how come you didn't write for so long. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know, i went through a similar phase.
Like, i somehow find myself incapable of doubting Him, but i ended up hurting Him with my insincerity and laziness.
And, i kept keeping aloof, away.
There was a phase when i was standing in front of Him, but couldn't feel a thing. (You know what i mean, He always fills one with so much love)
Just now, i threw myself at His feet and cried my heart out.
And, OMG! i chanced on your post!
i somehow feel like those periods of doubting you so often go through are like His tests for you. Or, perhaps, the hold of materialistic things, that are like a curtain in front of Him.
Doubts, derision, delusion, blinding the mind...they'll all disappear at one sight of His feet, though.
//“Why are you troubling me so much today? If You do not help me fix this, I will not come to You again!”
After that I sort of understood how to fix it and it actually worked. Again, I felt humbled. I felt grateful. I felt remorseful. I lashed out at Krishna and He still helped me, even though I was completely undeserving. The Lord’s mercy knows no bounds. Even in bouts of anger, He is always loving.//
That was so wonderful. And, s comforting. i just can try imagining what you may have felt like.
But, don't worry yourself too much.
We will always have our merciful Lord forever with us. :)
Let's be grateful for what He has given us, above all- the ability to call out to Him, and His greatness in always responding. :)
HARIIIBOLLLLLLL !!! :D:D:D
ReplyDeleteI can't get enough of just saying that to Krishna! Everytime it just feels amazing! It feels like He's really really there and I'm just saying it to Him again and again and again! Oh it's just such a great feeling!!!
Yeah, my exams are going on so I don't get a lot of time to blog :)
ReplyDeleteBut what a strange coincidence that we were feeling something similar, and although I felt it 2 weeks ago, I posted it right now while you were experiencing it!
I should say 'planned' coincidence actually. Krishna is just a mastermind at all these things! Really!
"Let’s be grateful for what He has given us, above all- the ability to call out to Him, and His greatness in always responding."
I said the exact same thing to Him in prayer last night!! Oh goodness, this doesn't end with us lol!
In prayer, I was asking Him for forgiveness, saying that I was undeserving and unworthy of His mercy, but the most beautiful thing about Him was that He still freely loves and bestows so much mercy anyway! All glories to such a loving God!
hmm this happens many times that some problems caught us and we forget about god, and try to fix by it self...thats the foolish thing we do..but at last when we surrender , all things are fixed by god, in few moments..
ReplyDeletecheck out this site http://chantandbehappy.com/
may u like it !! this site told by one of devotee,
Hare Krishna !!
Yes, very very true. In fact, it is in times of trouble and instability that we should depend on God the most. We should share with Him our happiness and joy as well as our troubles and sorrows. Just like Queen Kunti, who always prayed to be in problems so that she would always be able to think of Krishna.
ReplyDeleteI have visited that website before... Thanks for bringing my attention to it again :)
Haribol
hi...happy new year!
ReplyDeleteMay Krishna shower His blessings abundantly! :) :)
btw, there's a new blog am in. It's called "All about Krishna" and there's another devotee friend of mine from youtube callled tanvee who writes there along with me. www.allaboutkrishna.blogspot.com
Naturally, i'd love you to join it. i hope it can be a place where devotees meet and discuss about Krishna. His miracles et al.
do think about it and tell me. It could be a nice way to get in touch with a lot of devotees at the same time if we shared a common blog where we could all post about Him. :)
Heyyy! Happy new year!! :)
ReplyDeleteI checked out the blog... What a brilliant idea!! Absolutely love it!! Thanks for informing me. I'd totally love to join!
hare krishna !!
ReplyDeletehi checked this blog, gr8 idea and gr8 blog...i may not much experience as you both have but i loved to comment and share on this blog (. http://www.allaboutkrishna.blogspot.com)
Hare Krishna!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you like the new blog!
And as for experience, I have barely even taken my first step on the path to Krishna. But He is very merciful. He promises in the Bhagavad Gita:
“To those who are constantly devoted to serving Me with love, I give the understanding by which they can come to Me.” - Bhagavad Gita, 10:10
So He is the one who gives me whatever understanding I have, as He guides me from within. Keep your mind fixed on Him - that's all :)
@apfmd: Experience is too big a word.
ReplyDeleteIf we were proud enough to declare ourselves experienced about Krishna, you can bet we would be the greatest fools.
Ofcourse, we all have our shares of experience. But, it's all His grace. And we are but His slaves at the end of the day. And, nothing else matters.
Do come and comment, and share, and join us!