Some Thoughts

Quite some time ago, I stopped going for my Gita classes due to work and OCD causing difficulties. As a result, I ended up falling out of the loop, and only seldom go for celebrations.

I miss being around devotees and being engaged in Krishna bhakti. I miss learning about Krishna, the music, the prasadam, the books...

But I don't miss the rigidity.

I'm quite apprehensive about posting this because some might feel like I am 'straying from the path' or that I am being offensive. But I don't want to pretend I'm okay with things I'm not.

I'd also like to say that this doesn't only apply to ISKCON. Many other religions and religious groups I've looked into seem to have similar rigidity.

They tell us what to think, what to do, what to feel. Where is the freedom? There are plenty things that I couldn't agree with and tried my best to understand. Some things just don't make sense.

Like for instance, the concept of an eternal hell in Abrahamic religions. I can't digest that no matter what anyone says to me to make me understand. I don't understand the goat sacrifice. I don't understand why Hare Krishnas are supposed to have cold showers. Or why we're supposed to wake up at 3 or 4 am.

I remember one of the first times I experienced some discomfort because of something someone said in my Gita class. They were discussing Mother Theresa and while they agreed she was a good person, she apparently was also a 'meat-eater' which means she couldn't have been that good. I was taken aback. I am all for vegetarianism and I actually would like it if people didn't eat meat at all but I don't think a person can be classified as good or bad based on whether they eat meat or not.

Another thing that really irks me is the subjugation of women. Why are women the lesser intelligence? What about the caste system? KC thoroughly describes the caste system as Krishna intended it. That is, to say, so different occupations would exist and society would live in harmony and there would be some sort of structure. I can't really imagine Krishna differentiating between upper classes and lower classes. Can you? Why then does the literature refer to higher' and 'lower' castes? It's so contradicting. On the one hand, Krishna stresses on equality, yet on the other hand, followers identify these castes as higher and lower.

I like my freedom to think and believe what I want to. A lot of people say we shouldn't create our own ideas of what God should be like. But honestly, how can anyone accept the idea that God differentiates between higher and lower classes, between vegetarians and meat-eaters, homosexuals and heterosexuals? If I say that God loves unconditionally, and then I add, "...but only if you do His will," doesn't that mean His love is conditional?

Some time ago, someone told me that God chooses his followers. So what if someone doesn't worship him? Doesn't that mean that God chooses some people, and doesn't choose others? Why does he pick? If you believe that God's will is supreme, you can't say his message is out there for us to receive but it's up to us to choose whether we want to receive it or not, and that it boils down to our freewill. If it boils down to our freewill, that negates the fact that everything happens according to God's will. It would mean that things happen according to our will.

Another concern I have is about guru-worship. I just have one question: why? I understand several Hindus use the word 'worship' loosely and that the practice of aarti is quite cultural, traditional, and often a form of respect. For instance, if you went to a Hindu home, they would probably do an aarti for you. My high school Hinduism study explained that this is often a way of praying to the Lord that resides within everyone. Fair enough. But why worship gurus and say that we should worship them then way we worship God? Christians might agree with me when it comes to this. Either it has been expressed wrongly, or they actually really think we should equate guru and Krishna, which is something I cannot do. I can agree that gurus are spiritually elevated. But if you tell me that they are perfect, I cannot agree. At the end of the day, they are still human beings. Only God is perfect. Christians and Muslims often say that we should worship no one but God but I have seen how they take the words of their leaders as set in stone. But it is so painfully obvious that those leaders sometimes say things that are so wrong! These leaders sometimes lead sinful lives themselves. Followers might not be 'worshipping' them per se but believing that they are infallible is giving another human that status of being sinless and perfect, which only belongs to God.

I'm actually quite sick of most religious groups concocting their own version of God and feeding it to people, while they hypocritically tell others not to do it.

Needless to say, I still believe Vaishnavism makes the most sense philosophically and it is the most basic, simple and logical philosophy I have come across. Krishna has stolen my heart. I always resort to ISKCON literature for study as I find it the most comprehensive and most accurate (not exact) interpretation. However, I do not find the need to strongly associate with a single religious organization. I am quite happy to call myself Krishna's devotee and I will leave it at that.

But some things are just hard to accept.

I could have been born in a cannibalistic cult. What if I never questioned everything I did and everything I was taught? All I do is go on being a cannibal, teaching others that cannibalism is a good thing. That's what most of these religious organizations do. Sometimes in an obvious way, sometimes in a subtle way. Just don't be afraid to ever open up your mind and question the things you're told. I would actually urge each and every one of you reading this to not blindly accept everything you see, hear or read. Question it. God has given you the ability to reason, so use it.

A Loving Reminder

Even if you forget Krishna, He doesn't forget you.

A few days ago, I was walking home when suddenly the words to Damodarastakam found its way to my lips. I began singing to myself and realized it had been very long since I last heard/sang the Damodarastakam. It felt wonderful to sing it again!

Something stirred in my heart. Krishna was informing me that Kartik Maas was soon beginning - I was sure of it! Surely enough, I went home and checked the dates only to find out Kartik Maas was just a few days away.

I haven't had time to look at a Vaishnava calendar, I haven't been following festival dates, I haven't been giving enough time to Krishna... But he knows how much I love the Holy Month of Kartik. And like a little child who reminds everyone about the important days in their lives, Krishna reminded me of his special days.

Have a blessed month!

OCD and The Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 2 Verses 31-40

Krishna is encouraging Arjuna to fight. Fight. Fight. I must get up and fight this obsessive thoughts. 

"Do thou fight for the sake of fighting, without considering happiness or distress, loss or gain, victory or defeat--and, by so doing, you shall never incur sin." (BG 2.38)

We must not do anything for our own profit. Whatever we do, we must do for Krishna. Whether we work or eat or study... everything must be done as an offering to Krishna. Krishna tells Arjuna to rise above dualities and be free from anxiety, and to be established in the Self. This is what I must do. I must rise above this duality of what is clean and dirty. That is what is causing me so much anxiety. Krishna instructs Arjuna to never be attached to not doing his duty. This is what I have been doing, isn't it? I have let my OCD stop me from fulfilling my duties. My duty now is to work and support my family but for a while, I hadn't been able to do so. With the mercy of the Lord, I have been able to start working and I will continue to lean on Him for support to keep working so I can look after my family.

And we must continue to engage in devotional service, for that is what Krishna says will free us from karma.

"One who is not disturbed in spite of the threefold miseries, who is not elated when there is happiness, and who is free from attachment, fear and anger, is called a sage of steady mind. He who is without attachment, who does not rejoice when he obtains good, nor lament when he obtains evil, is firmly fixed in perfect knowledge." (BG 2.56-57)

This is what our aim should be. And the way to achieve this aim is to keep our focus on Krishna, and to immerse ourselves in devotional service. Krishna says that there can be no happiness without peace, which comes after having a steady mind. The way to have a steady mind is to be absorbed in Krishna. Krishna says that the person who is not disturbed by his desires can achieve peace, not those who strive to satisfy their desires. I am of the latter. I strive to no end to satisfy my desires of keeping myself and my things clean even if they were not dirty to begin with. I must restrain and fight these desires if I want to achieve some steadiness of the mind.

Arjuna was right when he said that it is easier to tame the wind than the mind.

But Krishna is the answer.

A Reminder

I haven't had much time to myself in a while. Even if I did, I've been far too worn out to do any serious thinking. This would explain my absence from the blogosphere. Juggling work, therapy, OCD and lots of personal problems just means I'm begging for relaxation. It also means that I will never be able to fully relax. That's what you get with OCD, y'know? Just never stops.

I've been home the past couple days. My job contract ended and now I'm trying in other places. Got through one, just waiting for confirmation.

I wouldn't have even written this blog post today. But something happened. Rather... Krishna happened.

I feel like a girl who has fallen out of love and now finds herself slowly sinking in again.

I've been busy lately, like I explained at the start of this post. Because of that, I haven't given much of my time to Krishna. Also, another reason I haven't done that is because I got tired of over-thinking life. My brain has far too many thoughts as it is, and I wanted to loosen up and stop taking everything so seriously. I still prayed. I still thought of him. Just not as much as I used to.

Oh, how I missed him. I missed thinking about him, talking to him, reading about him... I missed at all. But somehow I couldn't get myself to do it. This afternoon, I've spent my time 'reminiscing' about all the wrong things I've done. Is there a word to describe a feeling worse than shame? I felt awful. I thought back to every mistake I made, every stupid decision I made, and how I have hurt my family and friends in the process of it all, even though they might not know it. I paced up and down, thinking back, feeling guilt and remorse, mentally apologizing to everyone, trying to forgive myself for it all and failing miserably.

I never thought I'd end up like this.

I was always little goody two-shoes. Studious, modest, patient, obedient, kind. How did I end up making such bad decisions in life? Look at me now. I'm struggling to find a job, struggling with such delicate health, and battling a mental disorder. 5 years ago, if you asked my classmates and professors how likely I was to succeed, EVERYONE would agree that I would breeze through life with grace. That's what I was like. Everyone thought life was made for me. It was. It really was.
Then Life happened.

I've spent hours and hours in the last few years trying to figure things out, trying to forgive myself but it just doesn't happen.

After spending the afternoon being washed over by waves of shame, I came into the living room, to see if the TV could prove to be a worthy distraction. I came in here, feeling pathetic, and turned on the TV. There was a woman on screen. But only for a second. She moved away, only to remind me of someone I had not thought of in a long time.

Krishna.

There was a statue of Radha and Krishna on screen. He does this EVERY time. He NEVER fails to love me even when I hate myself the most. See these simple gestures? He just wanted to remind me that he's there, because he knows sometimes I forget. Yet he still loves. Tears filled my eyes as I asked him why he does this. Why does he always forgive me even though I keep sinning again and again, why does he love me even though I don't deserve it? It didn't even take him a second to make me realize that he is there, with open arms, to love me and forgive me and heal me from this distress. I may think I'm grown up now but I'm still a child. I'm still making mistakes every day. I stumble and fall but like a loving father, Krishna always holds my hand and helps me walk again.

Life is new everyday. It changes in a minute. The only constant is Krishna.

I hope I never forget that.

OCD and The Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 2 Verses 11-30

We are mourning for what is not worthy of grief. Germs? Seriously? THAT is my biggest concern? It sounds silly even to me. The body is not as important as the soul. Why then do I spend so much time cleaning and protecting my body obsessively instead of nourishing my soul?

The next few verses explain the nature of the soul. The soul is permanent but the body keeps changing. The body changes with lives, with age, and with states - clean and dirty. 2.14 is a great verse about the nature of duality of this world. And it is this duality that often leaves us bewildered. Krishna says that all of this happiness and distress arise due to sense perception. Wow. Krishna said this thousands of years ago whereas modern science declared it in the recent past! But doesn't it make sense? We perceive things to be clean, dirty, good, bad, etc. and accordingly we feel happiness or distress. The Lord says that we should tolerate them without being disturbed. Steadiness. Gopinath says that those who are steady as such are "certainly eligible for liberation." What is important is that our souls cannot be harmed in any way, be it water, fire, weapons or even germs. Our souls are protected by Krishna.

So this is what we must understand. The body is not worth lamenting for. Our souls are far more important. This is a world of duality and we must rise above it, and not be affected by it.

OCD and the Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 2 Verses 11-20

"The Blessed Lord said: While speaking learned words, you are mourning for what is not worthy of grief. Those who are wise lament neither for the living nor the dead." [2.11]

If life and death are not worth mourning over, are these anxieties and hygiene concerns worth it? Absolutely not. We are forgetting that the purpose of life is building a relationship with Krishna and understanding Him to be the Lord of Creation. The purport says, "The body is born and is destined to be vanquished today or tomorrow; therefore the body is not as important as the soul." Cleanliness is important, but not so much that it occupies all my time! I ought to be spending more time feeding my soul with knowledge of Krishna!

Krishna goes on to explain more about the nature of the soul. Krishna says that there never was a time when we did not exist and never will there be a time when we will cease to exist. The body is continually changing. It grows, it becomes ill, our souls change bodies... But our souls are always the same. Our souls are indestructible. The body will change its state of being clean and dirty at different points in time, but our soul remains pure. Krishna says that self-realized souls are not bewildered by such bodily changes.

"O son of Kunti, the nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons. They arise from sense perception, O scion of Bharata, and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed." [2.14]

Yes. This is Krishna's golden advice to us, applicable in any situation. We live in world of duality. Hot or cold, happy or unhappy, clean or dirty. Vaishnavas must overcome this duality and tolerate them with a steady mind. Yes, yes, yes. We must remember this. All of this arises from sense perception. I remember learning about this in my Psychology class - the way we feel is due to our perception of things. What psychologists have started realizing in the recent past, Krishna spoke thousands of years ago! Timeless wisdom, don't you think? Krishna goes on to say that those who are steady in this world of duality are certainly eligible for liberation. So there we have it - further motivation to rise above this duality!