OCD and The Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 2 Verses 31-40

Krishna is encouraging Arjuna to fight. Fight. Fight. I must get up and fight this obsessive thoughts. 

"Do thou fight for the sake of fighting, without considering happiness or distress, loss or gain, victory or defeat--and, by so doing, you shall never incur sin." (BG 2.38)

We must not do anything for our own profit. Whatever we do, we must do for Krishna. Whether we work or eat or study... everything must be done as an offering to Krishna. Krishna tells Arjuna to rise above dualities and be free from anxiety, and to be established in the Self. This is what I must do. I must rise above this duality of what is clean and dirty. That is what is causing me so much anxiety. Krishna instructs Arjuna to never be attached to not doing his duty. This is what I have been doing, isn't it? I have let my OCD stop me from fulfilling my duties. My duty now is to work and support my family but for a while, I hadn't been able to do so. With the mercy of the Lord, I have been able to start working and I will continue to lean on Him for support to keep working so I can look after my family.

And we must continue to engage in devotional service, for that is what Krishna says will free us from karma.

"One who is not disturbed in spite of the threefold miseries, who is not elated when there is happiness, and who is free from attachment, fear and anger, is called a sage of steady mind. He who is without attachment, who does not rejoice when he obtains good, nor lament when he obtains evil, is firmly fixed in perfect knowledge." (BG 2.56-57)

This is what our aim should be. And the way to achieve this aim is to keep our focus on Krishna, and to immerse ourselves in devotional service. Krishna says that there can be no happiness without peace, which comes after having a steady mind. The way to have a steady mind is to be absorbed in Krishna. Krishna says that the person who is not disturbed by his desires can achieve peace, not those who strive to satisfy their desires. I am of the latter. I strive to no end to satisfy my desires of keeping myself and my things clean even if they were not dirty to begin with. I must restrain and fight these desires if I want to achieve some steadiness of the mind.

Arjuna was right when he said that it is easier to tame the wind than the mind.

But Krishna is the answer.

A Reminder

I haven't had much time to myself in a while. Even if I did, I've been far too worn out to do any serious thinking. This would explain my absence from the blogosphere. Juggling work, therapy, OCD and lots of personal problems just means I'm begging for relaxation. It also means that I will never be able to fully relax. That's what you get with OCD, y'know? Just never stops.

I've been home the past couple days. My job contract ended and now I'm trying in other places. Got through one, just waiting for confirmation.

I wouldn't have even written this blog post today. But something happened. Rather... Krishna happened.

I feel like a girl who has fallen out of love and now finds herself slowly sinking in again.

I've been busy lately, like I explained at the start of this post. Because of that, I haven't given much of my time to Krishna. Also, another reason I haven't done that is because I got tired of over-thinking life. My brain has far too many thoughts as it is, and I wanted to loosen up and stop taking everything so seriously. I still prayed. I still thought of him. Just not as much as I used to.

Oh, how I missed him. I missed thinking about him, talking to him, reading about him... I missed at all. But somehow I couldn't get myself to do it. This afternoon, I've spent my time 'reminiscing' about all the wrong things I've done. Is there a word to describe a feeling worse than shame? I felt awful. I thought back to every mistake I made, every stupid decision I made, and how I have hurt my family and friends in the process of it all, even though they might not know it. I paced up and down, thinking back, feeling guilt and remorse, mentally apologizing to everyone, trying to forgive myself for it all and failing miserably.

I never thought I'd end up like this.

I was always little goody two-shoes. Studious, modest, patient, obedient, kind. How did I end up making such bad decisions in life? Look at me now. I'm struggling to find a job, struggling with such delicate health, and battling a mental disorder. 5 years ago, if you asked my classmates and professors how likely I was to succeed, EVERYONE would agree that I would breeze through life with grace. That's what I was like. Everyone thought life was made for me. It was. It really was.
Then Life happened.

I've spent hours and hours in the last few years trying to figure things out, trying to forgive myself but it just doesn't happen.

After spending the afternoon being washed over by waves of shame, I came into the living room, to see if the TV could prove to be a worthy distraction. I came in here, feeling pathetic, and turned on the TV. There was a woman on screen. But only for a second. She moved away, only to remind me of someone I had not thought of in a long time.

Krishna.

There was a statue of Radha and Krishna on screen. He does this EVERY time. He NEVER fails to love me even when I hate myself the most. See these simple gestures? He just wanted to remind me that he's there, because he knows sometimes I forget. Yet he still loves. Tears filled my eyes as I asked him why he does this. Why does he always forgive me even though I keep sinning again and again, why does he love me even though I don't deserve it? It didn't even take him a second to make me realize that he is there, with open arms, to love me and forgive me and heal me from this distress. I may think I'm grown up now but I'm still a child. I'm still making mistakes every day. I stumble and fall but like a loving father, Krishna always holds my hand and helps me walk again.

Life is new everyday. It changes in a minute. The only constant is Krishna.

I hope I never forget that.