OCD: The Beginning

I have 'Contamination OCD' and so, I am deathly afraid of germs and getting dirty. I am not afraid of getting ill or getting a disease. I just simply don't like the "ick" factor. I don't like the feeling of being 'dirty'. I am very concerned about cross-contamination as well, so basically, if A is dirty and it comes into contact with B, and then B comes into contact with C, then C is also dirty.

I find washrooms, bins, floors, shoes, and washing machines repulsive.

When I feel dirty, I start to feel very anxious and I have to clean as soon as possible, or else I won't be able to think about or do anything else until I have cleaned. I panic and stress out a lot when I feel dirty, which results in me crying, feeling upset, and sometimes, hitting something (usually myself). I wash my hands repeatedly and shower for a very long time. I use tons of cleaning/sanitizing products and I cannot imagine doing without them anymore.

All of this began some months ago, sometime in November-December 2010. Somehow, I kept feeling drops of water splashing on me (when there was water running and even when there wasn't). It would make me feel dirty and I would end up washing my hands and arms again and again. Going near running water would terrify me. I used to wash my hands about 7-8 times on average, non-stop. I don't really go every now and then to wash my hands. It's more of a consecutive thing that happens when I start to wash my hands. On bad days, I would wash my hands 15-20 times, one after the other. Showering began to take about 2-3 hours. I would also clean the washroom every single day before my shower, which is just completely unnecessary, but still something that I had to do. I also often repeat movements and actions to see if I touched something that was dirty while doing something. Like for example if I walk past a table that I believe is dirty, I will walk past it again and again trying to duplicate my initial movements to see if I touched the table or not. I also avoid doing a lot of things. I avoid going to the washroom, I stand a mile away from dustbins, I also throw things into dustbins from a mile away, I avoid shaking hands with people, and I don't like coming in contact with someone whose clothes are touching the floor. I also feel very hesitant to go close to people who wear shorts and skirts that expose their thighs. That might sound a bit weird but it just irks me to think that they made a trip to the washroom and their skin came into contact with the toilet seat and is now exposed. Irrational? Yes, I know. But sadly, this is not really completely in my control. I know it might come of as really offensive, but what can I do, these things just scare me! I used to be able to leave my house without having taken a shower if I had to. But lately, this just seems preposterous! If I need to go out, I must absolutely shower first. This means I need to start getting ready about 3-4 hours before I need to go out, since showering takes quite a while now.

I realized later that I had always had OCD in some form or the other. When I was younger, I had to things until they felt 'just right' but that wasn't too serious. At another point, I began to check things repeatedly, sometimes even leaving my house only to come back in to make sure my bedroom cupboard was locked. Afterwards, my mind began to race with terrifying thoughts about others dying, getting cancer, etc. And these weren't just thoughts that would pop in once in a while. I would have them ALL the time and it was so distressing. Somehow I thought that I was cursing others and that it was really going to happen simply because I thought it. I even had rituals to deal with this, which I did secretly and repeatedly. Over time, I fought those thoughts with prayer. I prayed to God saying that I knew He knew what was in my heart and that I didn't really wish for those bad things to happen to people, and that He wasn't going to make someone suffer just because I had a thought about it. So that eased some of my distress over having such thoughts. Then I learned to turn those thoughts into negatory statements. So instead of saying, "He will get cancer," I would instead say, "He will not get cancer." With some practice, this started to happen naturally and even though the thoughts would come into my head, it was consoling that I was wishing the opposite. Now I barely get these thoughts, and even if I do get them, they're negatory statements and they don't cause even a little distress.

So that was a little bit about my OCD. I have always been very concerned about hygiene but lately, it's become debilitating. I used to go out a lot to hang out with my friends before. But in the last few months, I was almost always at home, canceling plans, and making rainchecks. This was also partly due to the fact that it was winter and it had gotten a bit too cold for my liking, but the real reason was my fear of needing to use the washroom and of getting dirty. In the last few months, I have started getting out of the house more often, and that has actually been way more helpful than damaging, contrary to what I believed. I'm afraid of getting a job because of the difficulty I might have in using a public washroom, and how insanely early I will need to wake in order to shower before leaving my house. I do not want to be like this for the rest of my life. I have been going for counseling which has really helped me a lot. I have overcome some fears and have had a few successes which I will outline in my next posts.