OCD: Distraction

I'm pretty sure most of you will be able to relate when I say I don't remember what it's like to feel normal anymore; I have no idea what normal people would do in given situations, how they would react to things, and their perception of things. I have forgotten simple things like washing my hands, using the bathroom, taking a shower, picking up something off the floor, putting on pants, putting on socks... Who even thinks when performing these actions? It's all done so subconsciously, right? But for those of us with OCD, simple behaviors require tremendous thinking, planning and finally, execution. And by execution, I don't just mean execution of the action. I also mean EXECUTION! as in "Off with yer head!" It makes me feel like I'm going to die! It kills me to perform these actions! Why on earth is it so stressful?!

Here are some of the thoughts that run through my head when I wash my hands:

• Do I pour water with my right hand over my left hand? Do I hold my hands under the faucet instead?


• Did I wash between my fingers, under my nails? Did I wash well enough? What if I missed a spot?


• How do I move my hands out of the sink without touching the edge of the sink or faucet?


• Did I accidentally touch the sink edges or the faucet or the soap dispenser?


• Should I wash again just to be sure? It doesn't feel clean enough, maybe I should wash again.


• Water splashed up on my arm! I need to wash again!

Yes, I am over-thinking it. I am concentrating way too much on everything, trying very hard to be careful and do it perfectly, which is what makes me mess up even more. When I just casually wash my hands, like before a shower where I'm going to get cleaned up anyway, I can wash my hands much much faster and without so many worries. And as a result, I get it right waayyyyy sooner. My counsellor told me that I was concentrating way too much, and I needed to do it subconsciously because that's how everyone else does it. In order to do this, I need to think of something else. I need to distract myself. Now saying, "Do not think about germs!" isn't really going to work. Apparently the brain doesn't understand the word "not" and it's the whole 'pink elephant' thing (I could tell you, "Whatever you do, do not think of a pink elephant!" but you would think of a pink elephant anyway!) So the best way to be distracted is to think of something else, rather than telling yourself what not to think. The more entertaining the thought, the more you will be able to distract yourself. Even prayer works. I like to distract myself with prayer, singing songs, thinking of something funny from a movie, or something funny my friend said once upon a time... you get the idea.

Of course, the horrible horrible, utterly ghastly thing that happens next is: You realize you weren't concentrating. That realization then sends me into a hysterical frenzy and I start thinking things like, "Oh my gosh, I wasn't paying attention. Maybe I didn't do it properly. Maybe I touched the edge of the sink and didn't realize it! I have to wash again!" And then the stress and anxiety makes me wash my hands many, many more times.

How to deal with that? My counsellor said to keep distracting myself as and when those thoughts occur. If the thoughts intrude again, try to distract yourself again. Because the aim is to get myself to stop thinking so much, and being so conscious about what I'm doing. I never used to do it before and I was just fine. Billions of people all around the world wash their hands without thinking. They don't leave the bathroom wondering if their hands are clean after they've washed it once. And I wash it like around 5 times on average. And I still doubt whether they're clean or not! The whole point is trying to stop over-thinking it. Soon enough, with the distraction (my counsellor said I could even look into the mirror while washing my hands to distract myself), I will get used to thinking of other things while washing up or cleaning, and it won't seem so bad anymore. When I seem to forget certain things that happened that make me feel dirty (even though it sends me into a panic attack later when I realize I forgot), my counsellor tells me forgetting it even for a little while is a good thing because it means I was distracted. It doesn't really work so well for me because when I realize that I had forgotten and wonder what else I touched and contaminated while I was dirty, I panic a lot. Then I can literally feel everything around me just crawling with germs! Everything I touch has to absolutely be decontaminated and a shower must be taken! But now I'm starting to understand why it might be good to forget that I was dirty. Well, before, it would torture my mind every single second. Forgetting it even for a minute is a sign of improvement. After all, if it happened to a normal person, they wouldn't care at all. For instance, if I touched the toilet lid, I would have to wash my hands before touching anything else. But normally, people don't really care. I've seen so many people just sitting on toilets with the lid down. They don't worry about germs. And even if they did get dirty, they'd clean up as well as they could, and get on with it. Unlike me, who dwells on it for hours and sometimes, days. Sometimes, years! Yeah, that's right. I remember isolated incidents that happened like over a year ago and they still haunt me. Forgetting means paying less attention. Thus, lesser effort and stress on the mind. And God knows, OCD uses up way too much of my brain's energy.

To be honest, I'd rather not forget because I hate the feeling of doubt that engulfs me afterwards. It really annoys me to think about what I might have done and how I might have made other things dirty. But maybe, some of you out there may be better able to handle this, and it may work better for you than it did for me. Forgetting would be good if it weren't for this annoying doubting habit of my nature, which has been further aggravated by OCD to the point of no return. But yes, there is no denying that distraction works. When I'm distracted, I'm focussing lesser on cleaning, thus making me more efficient and relaxed. Focussing too much just adds extra stress and pressure, thus increasing the chances of it going wrong. And like my counsellor has been saying all along, the stress has got to go. I would say there needs to be a balance. I would want to pay just enough attention to know that I'm doing the job right, but not concentrate on it with every fibre of my being, as if I were trying to burn laser beams out of my eyes. But striking that balance is hard, which is why being able to forget even for a minute is actually very encouraging. It just makes me realize that I can focus my attention elsewhere! It makes me realize that eventually, with some practice, I will be able to pay lesser attention to these things. Forgetting lets me know that it is possible to find that balance, and that even if something does go wrong (even if it's just in my head), it's not the end of the world. I should just let it go, and move on, just like anybody else would.

While watching Dr Oz on television the other day, I heard this great tip they gave to an OCD Hoarder. She said that you should try to do other things while doing things you dread. This is basically distraction. She suggested the individual with OCD clean up and organize her things while watching TV so that it takes some pressure of and becomes enjoyable. I think that's a brilliant idea! Maybe even talking on the phone might help, or listening to music... now there's a few ideas!

Oh, and yes, an important thing to note is that this is going to take quite a bit of practice. We've gotten so involved in engaging in certain compulsions, and we have become habituated to them. So naturally enough, it's going to take time to get used to paying lesser and lesser attention. So don't give up hope - there are good OCD days and bad OCD days. We must try not to beat ourselves up if things don't go according to plan. That's alright, isn't it - tomorrow is a new day and another chance to try again. But we must always practice. Soon enough, one day, we will taste success.