OCD: New Obsessions

"For the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate and very strong, O Krsna, and to subdue it is, it seems to me, more difficult than controlling the wind. " - Bhagavad Gita 6:34

Right you are, Arjuna. The mind is a crazy, crazy thing.

There is some good news and some bad news. The good news is that some OCD worries I had before have diminished and don't bother me as much anymore. The bad news is that I have new obsessive and intrusive thoughts that are serving as a replacement. That's what's making my older worries seem less important. Needless to say, I spend hours trying to rationalize with the new obsessions.

So this new obsession is that I am constantly worrying I have accidentally dirtied myself and didn't realize it. So I am always feeling dirty, showering for a very long time and sleeping uncomfortably. Before, at least I used to feel clean after showering. Now, I feel dirty even after I have just stepped out of the shower. As a result, my body is always tense and really tired and stressed.

So I feel like it's back to square 1. Water splashing up on me from the sink seems so unimportant in light of this new worry. I met with my counselor and we're going back to basics - I need to relax.

So we've been working on visualizing relaxing scenes, deep/diaphragmatic breathing and Mindfulness Meditation. For the first week, it was working well, helping me sleep easily and calming me down. At the beginning I was able to calm my racing thoughts after a few deep breaths.

When reading posts by others who have the same worries I do, something a poster said really got to me: sometimes, some things you just need to ignore because you know it's not true.

Thinking this really helps but it's so hard to ignore! My mind's going all, "do you really want to risk the chance? It's better to be safe than sorry! What if it really happened this time but you didn't notice?" And gosh, all of this is just such a big lie! It's really hard to ignore these thoughts but it's got to be done, otherwise I'm just going to end up feeding these worries more and more and fueling them. Deep breathing and the other relaxation strategies helped clear my mind, and gave me a few minutes of rationalization to fight off these lies my mind tries to feed me. Deep breathing really worked so well! My therapist says that it supplies our body with more oxygen and forces us to relax. That's just grand. Being relaxed and feeling good and happy makes it easier to fight off compulsive urges, I've noticed.

Krishna Himself agrees that the mind (and senses) are very difficult to tame. So what's the solution?

"The easiest way to control the mind, as suggested by Lord Caitanya, is chanting "Hare Krsna," the great mantra for deliverance, in all humility. The method prescribed is sa vai manah krsna-padaravindayoh: one must engage one's mind fully in Krsna. Only then will there remain no other engagements to agitate the mind." - Srila Prabhupada, BG 6:34 Purport

Unfortunately, my mind is such a wild monkey swinging from branch to branch that it is blind to the beautiful flower that is Krishna. Nevertheless, in 6:35 Krishna says constant practice and determination is the key and I believe Him. One day, this agitated mind will see that there is no need to be so agitated and it will come to rest at Krishna's feet.