OCD and The Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 1 Verses 1-20

As promised, here I am starting a study of the Bhagavad Gita and applying it to OCD (and other undesirable physical/mental states, if you will).

I would like to mention here that the information that will follow in this series of discussions is in no way authorized by Vaishnava scholars. It is most definitely not a literal interpretation. It is simply an attempt to take Lord Krishna's words seriously and use the knowledge He has distributed to overcome problems in my life. Readers can similarly fill in the blanks with their own personal problems and try to approach it through the lens of the Gita. I have searched online for such an application of the Gita's wisdom but never found any. Similarly, lots of search results have appeared on my blog, looking for advice from the Gita with regards to OCD. Thus I hope and pray this will be a learning experience for me as well as fellow sufferers who are seeking support from Krishna and the Gita. I hope this does not offend anyone in any way and beg your forgiveness if I accidentally do so in the future. In which case I would appreciate being made aware of my errors so I can correct them.

Before I begin, I would just like to say a little prayer: Dear Krishna, I want to thank you for you have mercifully given us this eternal knowledge in the form of this scripture known as the Bhagavad Gita. I am starting a new study of it, applying your teachings to overcome my poor health and OCD. Lord, please help me to understand your teachings and to apply them well. Please help me to avoid offending you or anyone else. Please let this be a great learning experience for all those who take part in it and let it strengthen our faith in you. I pray, God, that we may be able to overcome these problems with your help. Lord, fill us with divine revelations from you through this study and give us the senses to hear, see and understand you. I realize that your pure devotees do not have any requests from you, except devotional service, but I am far from being a pure devotee. I am in distress and I have come seeking your refuge. Please give me shelter at your feet, Lord, for there is no one for me but you.

Text:
I am going to be referring to Bhagavad Gita As It Is by AC Bhaktivedanta Swami Srila Prabhupada. A good website for it is: www.asitis.com

Bhagavad Gita Verses 1-20

Dhritarastra is asking Sanjaya about what is taking place on the battlefield who sees it through his special gift of vision. He describes the armies on the battlefield to Dhritarastra.

So here we are, ready to fight. The question is: did you choose Krishna to be on your side or did you choose His army? If you chose for Krishna to be on your side, let me tell you now, you will emerge victorious. This is Krishna's promise to us. Let us get ready now to face the demons, with Krishna on our side to guide us and support us. As Sanjaya describes the armies are on the battlefield, ready for war. So right now, let's step onto the battlefield, ready to take on OCD.

Our army comprises of Krishna, knowledge, light, truth, balance, sensibility, rationality, humility, patience and tolerance.

The opposing army comprises of our problems, OCD, poor health, illnesses, stress, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, and lack of will power.

The opposing army is strong. They have proven to be victorious over and over. Duryodhana believes that our side is limited in strength and prowess and that the enemy will surely emerge victorious once again like they have over many others before. Like Duryodhana wanted to rule over the Pandavas and their kingdom, our problems want to take over us. They do not want us to be free. Many people have given over their lives to illnesses and depression. Some have given up their lives because of it. Others have lost their lives to it. But we shall do neither of these. Krishna is on our side and we will emerge victorious, no matter what Duryodhana or OCD or our problems think!

The war is about to begin. We are about to take on the enemy. Everyone draws their conch shells, signifying the start of the battle. The conch shells of the opposing army are no doubt mighty, but the conch shell of Krishna is the mightiest of all! Thus when our army blows the conch shells, it shatters the heart of the enemy (BG 1.19). OCD, illness and depression don't stand a chance against us. Already just with the blowing of the conch shells, they have weakened. Victory belongs to those who surrender to Krishna!

But like Arjuna stumbled before them, hesitating to fight them, will we? Should we? Should we also refuse to fight in the battle and simply give up? We'll find out in the next post!

A Letter to Krishna

Dear Krishna,

I miss you. Its been such a long time since I felt close to you. Like always, its my fault. I don't spend enough time with you and getting to know you. Do you miss me too Krishna? I know you do. You always do. But why do you stay so far away from me sometimes? Why do you make me long for you like this?

Things have been hard for me lately. With this OCD, and weak physical condition, every day has become difficult. But this must be part of your plan for me. It must be necessary for me so that I can become the person that you want me to be, so that I can realize my true spiritual identity, and so that I can learn to depend on you and trust you. You didn't hide this misery from us. From the beginning you told us that this world is dukhalayam asasvatam - full of miseries. You told us that while we are in this material world, we will experience birth, disease, old age and death. So this was no secret. Of course. You would never hide anything from us.

Despite knowing this, I still waste my time trying to find material happiness instead of trying to find you. But Gopinath, do you think I am being too materialistic when I ask you for things? I should hope not. I wouldn't want to disappoint you and put to waste all the time and effort you spent on molding me. While I am in this material world, I am going to have needs. You understand this of course. That's why you have so mercifully given us ways to make our material desires spiritual ones by keeping you in the center. It is not easy to do this all the time because I still have a long way to go on this path to being able to even be called a devotee of Lord Krishna. So I will admit I still have many material desires. And I almost always beg you to grant my wishes. If I don't come to you, if I don't ask you, then whom shall I ask? There is no one for me but you. Forgive me Lord for asking you for so much all the time. Every day I have a new demand. But Krishna, just like you waited for Sudama to ask you to fulfill his needs, I know you expect us to come to you with our needs.

I cannot compare myself to Sudama, I know. But I am trying to learn from your leelas. Am I your friend, Lord? Are you mine? You are the Eternal Friend of every soul in this entire creation. And as your friend, my dear dear Govinda, I am asking you to be my release, to be my guide, to provide for me, to support me, to stay by my side, to protect me and to help me love you forever. If you think of me as your friend, Gopinath, please consider my requests. In the Gita, you say that the reasons one approaches you is either (1) due to distress, (2) due to desire of wealth, (3) out of curiosity and (4) to know the absolute truth. My Lord, I have come before you now because I am in distress and I desire for you to provide for me.

I am tired of this weak physical condition. I am tired of having OCD. It depresses me so much that I do not have a job while all my friends do. I know earlier I wanted a job simply because all my friends had one and I didn't. And I'm glad you didn't give me a job at that time because that is a terrible attitude to have. It is selfish. It would feed my ego. Then when I got a job, it was low paying. Again, it was much lesser than my friends were getting. But again, I am glad about it because that too would have fed my ego about how much money I had. But Gopal, I had to quit that job. I had to quit. After 9 months of trouble finding a job, struggling with OCD and failing health, I finally found the perfect job. But I had to quit because of the washrooms. It hurts so bad Gopinath it hurts so bad. The morning after I quit I woke up feeling the deepest regret - thinking I should have gone to work and tried to use the washroom again, should have tried to adjust to it... I should have. I would have still had my job, I would have fallen in love with my job, I would have earned money at the end of the month and donated some to propagate Krishna Consciousness, and helped pay for my sister's university fees, helped my family... But I had to quit, Gopinath. And I feel so much regret. I wish I was stronger than this.

But I am starting to think that it all happened so fast. And that it was all your desire. It was your will. Not even a blade of grass moves without your sanction so how could this have happened if it wasn't in your desire? My Lord, you have your reasons for this which I cannot see right now but I trust that it will be revealed to me in time.

I trust you Krsna. Lately I've been seeing a lot of reminders of you. On the first day of work, I saw a devotee chanting in the metro. That was new! I never saw any devotees in the metro before. Then day before yesterday while driving, I saw a devotee chanting in the car in the lane on my left! Again, this was something completely new. Yesterday, I asked you for a sign to give me hope about my job and to release me from these feelings of regret. I asked you to give me a sign so I would know that your plan for me is in action and you have a job in my future. And I saw a devotee from my Gita class (which was also supposed to be yesterday) at the hypermarket. I have rarely ever seen devotees outside. And it was a big shocker since Gita class was supposed to have been going on at that hour. Maybe it was cancelled, I don't know. But I felt like it was a sign from you, Krsna, reminding me of you and of your family of devotees.

You have made me realize that this is not a competition. It is not a race. I don't need to earn a salary that is higher than that of my friends. And I thank you for this realization. While some of my friends have reached the top with little effort, perhaps I am one of those people who needs to work hard and struggle to get there. No complaints, Gopinath, for it is your divine will. All I ask is your company. Just stay with me and I will fight this war.

Oh Madhava, please help me find a job that will suit me perfectly in every way, and which will not hamper my devotional service to you. Lord, help me overcome these feelings of regret. Krsna, heal me of these ailments and make me well again. Please God. I beg you. There is no one to help me but you. You are my only friend and you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Please fill me with the spirit of your devotion. Fill me with your love and faith. I thank you for all the blessings in my life and I thank you for the blessings I know you will continue to pour on me. Forgive me for having upset you so many times. I love you, Krsna. I trust you with my heart and soul. Please stay close to me, my beautiful Madhava. Stay close to my heart and love me always.

Sincerely,
Your daughter

I quit

I quit my job.
I could not even last a day there!
I cannot even begin to express how upset I am about the whole situation. The office itself was great. Since it was my first day, the whole office took me to the restaurant downstairs for a welcome lunch. Everyone was awfully nice to me. As soon as they saw me they came over to introduce themselves to me. The office and job was really perfect. I could wear casual clothes and sandals to work! So I wouldn't even worry about dirtying my "good clothes".

But alas... The office washroom had to be pathetic. And believe me it was not just my perception of the washroom. The bathrooms really were very bad. It seemed obvious that they invested in style rather than performance and functionality. So appearance wise they were clean and stylish but very difficult and uncomfortable to use.
To stay at the job, I thought I'd look for other better washrooms nearby. I checked the hotel washroom, the one in the next office building, and also the one next to that. All of them seemed to have been designed with the same protocol in mind: that of looking good. Pipes were leaking, buttons requiring immense strength, splashing faucets, water pressure all wrong... Oh it was a nightmare!

After my first day at work ended, I got home and sent out a long, confidential email honestly telling my bosses that I was diagnosed with OCD and while it was under control, the environment outside of the office was aggravating my situation and I cannot take up this job. They were very nice about it and said that my health is priority and that they were disappointed to see me go. I am disappointed too. After 9 months I had finally found a good job at a great, warm and welcoming office. Sadly due to bad facilities I had to leave.

Trust me, I feel so stupid even saying that I left my job because of poor functioning washrooms. It seems so silly! If there was a way to work around it I would have stayed. I felt really stupid swapping washrooms too. Like the one in the lobby had a tiny sink. So I would use the tiny sink for the time being and then go upstairs and use the bigger sink in the office washroom to wash my hands again till I felt clean. Same problem with the other building washrooms. My skin had terrible red cuts, burns and sores from using the strong soap in their washrooms so much. I kept going back and forth from one washroom to another, feeling unbearably filthy all day long.

Being the way that I am, I feel a sense of regret, thinking what if I tried again and I could just force myself to use the facilities and get used to it. But if I stayed at the job, I would end up feeling disgusting everyday. I would get used to it in the office but as soon as I came home, I would have to handwash my clothes, shower again (which takes 1-1.5 hours just by the way), and end up sleeping late and then wake up a few hours later (at 3 AM) to shower again to make it on time for work.

And I don't want that kind of a life.

So I quit.

One of the reasons I decided to work was so that I would be put in situations where I have to interact with others, and so I would be forced to use a washroom outside of my house. But it's so unfair that I would be made to use a washroom that doesn't even fit normal standards! If it was a normal, well functioning washroom, I would not have complained like this. And I still would have had a job.
In a way it was an eye opener. Being in a bad situation yesterday made me realize how much better I have it at home even though I used to complain about it. In a way it was a blessing because now I feel slightly relaxed to be using washrooms that I feel a little comfortable in.

Anyway, today is a new day so I'm going to start my job hunt again. Oh Krishna, please help me find a good job in an environment I will be comfortable in.

I feel blessed

I am pleased to tell you all that Krishna has blessed me with a job! Thank You, Lord. I doubted You but like always, You have proved me wrong.

The job role is that of a Market Research Assistant in an international company here in Dubai. The good thing about this office is the casual atmosphere so I don't need to wear formal clothes. And it's a desk job so I don't have to go into unfamiliar environments. So this is great considering the fact that I have OCD and these were some of my main concerns.

It is much much better than the other jobs I had been offered. It is in an accessible area, close to some of my friends' offices, and best of all - they work NORMAL hours i.e. 40 hours/week. Most companies work 6 days/week and 10 hours/day. This again is another blessing because working 6 days a week would really kill me!

I'm beginning to think that Krishna was just waiting until I was ready to work. By His mercy, my mental and physical health has been slowly getting better. In the middle I decided to quit looking for a job because it felt like it was too much to handle. But recently I started going for interviews again. And obviously I was upset when I didn't receive callbacks. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't because at that time, working would have been quite difficult and those offices were so far away and not of very good standards (in terms of my hygiene obsessions). Those jobs required traveling and moving around a lot and that's something I'm not ready for yet.

The pay isn't a lot, as compared to what some of my friends are getting. But honestly, after about 9 months of looking for a job, I'm grateful. Grateful to Krishna and grateful to all of you who have wished me well. My family could use the financial help and I could use the experience. My therapist said it would be a good idea to work because it would put me in situations where I have to deal with things. For instance if I get dirty, I can't shower there. So I have to sit through it, do my work and then go home. So it will leave me no choice but to deal with it and make my peace with it.

Well let's see how it goes. My first day of work is going to be on October 2nd. Here's hoping everything goes well and Krishna stays right there with me like a parent stays with a child on their first day of school. I hope I'll be able to do this job well and make the most of it, and also, that the bathrooms are beautiful and to my liking!

Janmashtami 2011

Happy Janmashtami! This post is late and unfortunately this time I have no photos to upload but let me tell you something you already know - it was breathtakingly beautiful.

The best part was that I got to take my grandmother and uncle with me. I have been so eager for them to come and see the empty halls that become beautiful with the presence of Krishna, His associates and His devotees. It truly is the Lord's mercy because I am always keen to take my grandmother out on festivals but I don't always get the chance to do so.

Anyway, we couldn't stay very long so we just planned to take darshan. And I also desperately wanted some of that glorious charnamrit! Yum yum. So we entered the hall, and I was feeling good to be amongst devotees again after so long in this festive atmosphere. Then I started to hear the kirtan that was going on, and my heart started to swell. We took darshan of Krishna and I found tears in my eyes. How does this happen? Everytime I go to the hall feeling normal and fine and when the kirtan starts and Krishna appears before me in His infinite glory, I am just taken in. Then I want to stare and stare and beg Him to love me even though I know He does. I wanted to stay there forever. It just felt so amazing to be there!

Darshan ended quickly as there was a really big crowd so we had to keep moving. Then we got amazing prasadam and I got my long desired charnamrit! Ooh I can taste it now. I never liked it before but now I am just crazy about it! It's the best!

There were many devotees doing seva like handing out gifts, prasadam, and keeping everyone's shoes/sandals in a bag. It was so endearing to see little kids of 10 years doing their bit to help out. The Lord is so merciful that He has engaged them in serving Him like this. When we were taking back our sandals, this one devotee did something so sweet. The person volunteering to give back sandals emptied out the bag and so our sandals were on the floor. My grandmother turned over my sandals and I wore them and the next thing I knew, I saw a devotee bending down turning over my grandmother's sandals and helping her wear them! She didn't really need the help but he thought she did and without hesitation he proceeded to help her. Now this was truly amazing for me to see because since I have OCD, the idea of touching shoes and sandals, that too someone else's, really puts me in an anxious state. And here was this devotee of the Lord, looking to serve another devotee. And he wasn't worrying about germs. He didn't care that they were someone else's sandals. To him, he just wanted to serve and help. My grandmother too was touched by the act. I was simply amazed. It's really true what they say about kind deeds - no matter how small they are, they sure do go a long way. I have no idea who that devotee is but may Krishna bless his heart.

This Janmashtami reminded me that I needed to spend more time with Krishna and it also gave me something to think about with regards to my OCD. Sometime ago, I was praying for good health and I felt like something inside me said that on Janmashtami, the birth of Krishna, I will also have a new birth. I took this to mean that all my health problems will go away since that's what I was praying for at the time. But now I'm starting to think perhaps it was more a spiritual rebirth. Maybe the idea of rebirth was just in my head and not really the Lord promising me something, but on Janmashtami, I realized that I still have a connection with Krishna even though I haven't spent a lot of time with Him lately and He is still resting in my heart. I haven't felt an emotional connection with Him in a long time, and that was just a such nice gift from Him on Janmashtami. Moreover, it was really crazy the things I had to do that day! Like walking barefeet! That is something I haven't done in a really long time because obviously I dread the idea of germs even on my feet. But the Lord gave me enough strength to do it. And later, a flower they gave us at the program fell on the floor, and of course, I dread picking up things that have fallen on the floor. Even if I pick them, I try not to touch the part that touched the ground. But this was a flower. Plus it was used in Krishna's service. If anything, instead of becoming dirty, it would purify me. So I picked it up and didn't bother about which side had touched the ground. Again, my strength comes from Krishna. He says in the Gita that He is the strength of the strong, and the only way I can be strong is through Him. So you see, He helps me in these ways to get over my fears, and from time to time, he rekindles our relationship tirelessly, despite the countless number of times that I put the flame out. And I know that He will always do so for us, out of His unconditional love.

I hope all of you had a blessed Janmashtami too. Share your Janmashtami stories in the comments section if you please :)

OCD: "The 30-Second Pause" + "I will worry about you later!"

I am pleased to say that the anxiety is getting easier to handle. Thank You, Lord. But my body seems to be feeling ill and I need some rest and recuperation.

Anyway, I have come up with a new technique to stop thoughts turning into obsessions which I like to call "30 Second Pause". In Psychology 101, we learned that it takes about 30 seconds to move information from our short term memories into our long term memories. So when a thought occurs to me, I try to think about something else as soon as I have the thought. Sometimes I even simply count from 1-30 with full concentration. Sometimes, counting in another language helps concentrate better. I try to keep myself thinking about something else for 30 seconds at least. And usually, this works for me. Even if the thought recurs, it is not as obsessive and I don't dwell on it for days. And when the thought recurs, distract yourself again for at least 30 seconds. It prevents the thoughts from shifting into your long term memory so it makes it rather easier to forget. Think about it this way - when you're studying for an exam, you keep repeating the information until you memorize it. And you can often remember this for months and years. That's what I think happens with obsessive thoughts - thinking about it constantly just leads to thinking about it more and then it stores itself in our long term memory so even weeks and months (sometimes years) later I still remember things that caused me stress and anxiety. If it's hard for you to distract yourself for long, then try with 10 seconds first and then gradually work your way up. Obviously the longer the better!

Another neat technique is telling yourself that you will worry about it later. This really helps! Because it's like, I'm not denying myself from thinking about it. There is a problem, and I am only trying to solve it by working it out in my head. So if I tell myself to stop thinking about it, the problem is going to nag me even more saying, "Solve me! Solve me!" So I just say, "Yes yes I will get it you but in a while!" So you keep delaying the thoughts, saying you will worry about it later. Again, it's like studying for an exam. If you say, "I'm not going to study," you will end up stressing out even more because how can you afford to not study for an exam? But if you say, "I will study in an hour," it makes you feel in control and like you've got a plan. And OCD is pretty much about control issues isn't it? So at first, tell yourself you will worry about it 10 minutes later, and then gradually increase the delay. It's sort of like procrastinating about worrying. When the thoughts come back, again say you will worry about it later. Soon you will forget about it!

The thoughts will definitely keep recurring so keep using these tricks to push them out whenever you have the thoughts. Both of these tricks have proven to be very useful for me. It takes practice of course and some times it's harder than usual, but perseverence is key!

OCD: The Way You Make Me Feel

Oh OCD, the way you make me feel is terrible.

After a couple of good days and some successful exposures, I feel rather distressed today. Because it feels like my life is stuck. It feels like my life is on hold. Everyone around me has got a job and they're earning good money, they're on their way making something of their lives. Yet here I am, having graduated 7 months ago, sitting here, doing nothing. I have been rejecting interviews because there is no way I can handle a day job that requires waking up early in the morning. My morning rituals take up way too much time. Up until last month I was still ready to take up a job but then I developed new obsessions which makes it impossible now.

In fact, I was even being offered a job but I missed the interview because that day, OCD took control. I guess it's a good thing I didn't go for that interview because I wouldn't have been able to commit anyway. Either I take a job and die trying to make it there on time (which means waking up at 2 AM to be at work by 8/9 AM) or I wait until I get fired for being consistently late. Of course, that's if I never go crazy and die of anxiety in the workplace first.

But this just feels devastating. I worked hard for good grades in school and university. And that's it. Nothing after that for the last 7 months. When am I going to start working towards building a career for myself? I don't want to live off of my parents' money forever. I want to be independent.

While others are revelling in the success of their new careers, I am getting thrilled with my success of being able to pick something off the floor. What the hell is going to become of my life?

I feel like such a burden to my family and close friends who know I have OCD. I already felt like a burden because I'm vegetarian and my friends would always have to reconsider things like eating at restaurants so that even I could eat. Now its like I can't go anywhere that doesn't have a good clean toilet, I can't pick up things they drop, can't help them cook (afraid of bacteria in raw food)... Sometimes they even have to do things for me like open doors because I won't touch the doorknob or pick things up off the floor. I feel like such a pain. Everyone's worried about me and trying to help. They listen and they try to understand what I'm going through. But for how long will they listen? They're going to get tired soon enough and they're going to get fed up on my constant doubting and whining and anxiety. Sigh, I feel alone and tired of all this.

God, I just wish I could curl up and die. Or sleep. And wake up, free of OCD. I really wish Krishna would fix me up soon... But I need to wait until the time is right. So tired of feeling incapable. Hopefully, this feeling of devastation will subside soon enough. Help me, God. I have no one but You.