OCD: The Way You Make Me Feel

Oh OCD, the way you make me feel is terrible.

After a couple of good days and some successful exposures, I feel rather distressed today. Because it feels like my life is stuck. It feels like my life is on hold. Everyone around me has got a job and they're earning good money, they're on their way making something of their lives. Yet here I am, having graduated 7 months ago, sitting here, doing nothing. I have been rejecting interviews because there is no way I can handle a day job that requires waking up early in the morning. My morning rituals take up way too much time. Up until last month I was still ready to take up a job but then I developed new obsessions which makes it impossible now.

In fact, I was even being offered a job but I missed the interview because that day, OCD took control. I guess it's a good thing I didn't go for that interview because I wouldn't have been able to commit anyway. Either I take a job and die trying to make it there on time (which means waking up at 2 AM to be at work by 8/9 AM) or I wait until I get fired for being consistently late. Of course, that's if I never go crazy and die of anxiety in the workplace first.

But this just feels devastating. I worked hard for good grades in school and university. And that's it. Nothing after that for the last 7 months. When am I going to start working towards building a career for myself? I don't want to live off of my parents' money forever. I want to be independent.

While others are revelling in the success of their new careers, I am getting thrilled with my success of being able to pick something off the floor. What the hell is going to become of my life?

I feel like such a burden to my family and close friends who know I have OCD. I already felt like a burden because I'm vegetarian and my friends would always have to reconsider things like eating at restaurants so that even I could eat. Now its like I can't go anywhere that doesn't have a good clean toilet, I can't pick up things they drop, can't help them cook (afraid of bacteria in raw food)... Sometimes they even have to do things for me like open doors because I won't touch the doorknob or pick things up off the floor. I feel like such a pain. Everyone's worried about me and trying to help. They listen and they try to understand what I'm going through. But for how long will they listen? They're going to get tired soon enough and they're going to get fed up on my constant doubting and whining and anxiety. Sigh, I feel alone and tired of all this.

God, I just wish I could curl up and die. Or sleep. And wake up, free of OCD. I really wish Krishna would fix me up soon... But I need to wait until the time is right. So tired of feeling incapable. Hopefully, this feeling of devastation will subside soon enough. Help me, God. I have no one but You.