OCD: The Way You Make Me Feel

Oh OCD, the way you make me feel is terrible.

After a couple of good days and some successful exposures, I feel rather distressed today. Because it feels like my life is stuck. It feels like my life is on hold. Everyone around me has got a job and they're earning good money, they're on their way making something of their lives. Yet here I am, having graduated 7 months ago, sitting here, doing nothing. I have been rejecting interviews because there is no way I can handle a day job that requires waking up early in the morning. My morning rituals take up way too much time. Up until last month I was still ready to take up a job but then I developed new obsessions which makes it impossible now.

In fact, I was even being offered a job but I missed the interview because that day, OCD took control. I guess it's a good thing I didn't go for that interview because I wouldn't have been able to commit anyway. Either I take a job and die trying to make it there on time (which means waking up at 2 AM to be at work by 8/9 AM) or I wait until I get fired for being consistently late. Of course, that's if I never go crazy and die of anxiety in the workplace first.

But this just feels devastating. I worked hard for good grades in school and university. And that's it. Nothing after that for the last 7 months. When am I going to start working towards building a career for myself? I don't want to live off of my parents' money forever. I want to be independent.

While others are revelling in the success of their new careers, I am getting thrilled with my success of being able to pick something off the floor. What the hell is going to become of my life?

I feel like such a burden to my family and close friends who know I have OCD. I already felt like a burden because I'm vegetarian and my friends would always have to reconsider things like eating at restaurants so that even I could eat. Now its like I can't go anywhere that doesn't have a good clean toilet, I can't pick up things they drop, can't help them cook (afraid of bacteria in raw food)... Sometimes they even have to do things for me like open doors because I won't touch the doorknob or pick things up off the floor. I feel like such a pain. Everyone's worried about me and trying to help. They listen and they try to understand what I'm going through. But for how long will they listen? They're going to get tired soon enough and they're going to get fed up on my constant doubting and whining and anxiety. Sigh, I feel alone and tired of all this.

God, I just wish I could curl up and die. Or sleep. And wake up, free of OCD. I really wish Krishna would fix me up soon... But I need to wait until the time is right. So tired of feeling incapable. Hopefully, this feeling of devastation will subside soon enough. Help me, God. I have no one but You.

OCD: Observations

I feel like I've forgotten how to do the simplest of things, like washing my hands, putting on socks, taking a shower... It all feels so different and like I've never done it before. I'm concentrating so much on my every move, trying so hard not to make mistakes and to get it done right. I want to let myself go and just do these things without a second thought, the way I used to.

But how?

I need to relearn things. I need to pretend like I'm a child, and I need to be taught this stuff all over again. And I figure the way to do that is through observation. I've been looking at people around me and trying to imitate them. It's hard, so I try to start with the simple things. Like for instance, I see people drop things on the floor and pick it up. When I drop something on the floor, I will either get someone else to pick it up; or pick it up and then clean my hands; or just leave it there; or get tissues and pick it up and clean the object. No one else does this! By looking at others so easily pick things up off the floor, I figured I ought to be able to do it too. So I made progress with that - I would be able to pick up things but I wouldn't touch the part of it that touched the floor, and I would make sure not to touch the floor with my hands by mistake.

So my plan is to watch others and see how they go about doing things and try to copy them so I can sort of re-learn how to do things. Some things I'd like to eventually be able to do:

Pick things off the floor
Walk barefeet at home
Not care if my pants touch the floor
Not care if I touch the soles of my shoes

Even watching people wash hands has helped a little. Earlier I would panic so much if my hands touched the edge of the sink (it never did by the way - I just keep thinking that it does). But once I watched someone wash their hands and not bother if their hands touched the edge of the sink. That made me feel lighter about it happening, which never does but it makes me feel safe to know that it's okay if it ever does happen one day. Watching people do these things is helpful - it somehow lets me know that if I do the same thing, I'll be just as clean as them. I really just envy how others can feel so clean and I just feel filthy all the time.

What simply amazes me is that people can wash their hands in 30 seconds and I'm in there for 10-15 minutes just washing my hands! Yeah, you bet I'm exhausted!

Sigh. It's been a long few months dealing with all of this every day. But giving up is not the answer. I reckon I'll post a list of my observations when I have enough and then pick some for exposure. These are such small simple things that have become so hard to do. But one day my friends, one day. I need to pick a thing to expose myself to every now and then and keep building it up. Observe. And then expose.

Got it. Not.

Well, we'll see.

OCD: New Obsessions

"For the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate and very strong, O Krsna, and to subdue it is, it seems to me, more difficult than controlling the wind. " - Bhagavad Gita 6:34

Right you are, Arjuna. The mind is a crazy, crazy thing.

There is some good news and some bad news. The good news is that some OCD worries I had before have diminished and don't bother me as much anymore. The bad news is that I have new obsessive and intrusive thoughts that are serving as a replacement. That's what's making my older worries seem less important. Needless to say, I spend hours trying to rationalize with the new obsessions.

So this new obsession is that I am constantly worrying I have accidentally dirtied myself and didn't realize it. So I am always feeling dirty, showering for a very long time and sleeping uncomfortably. Before, at least I used to feel clean after showering. Now, I feel dirty even after I have just stepped out of the shower. As a result, my body is always tense and really tired and stressed.

So I feel like it's back to square 1. Water splashing up on me from the sink seems so unimportant in light of this new worry. I met with my counselor and we're going back to basics - I need to relax.

So we've been working on visualizing relaxing scenes, deep/diaphragmatic breathing and Mindfulness Meditation. For the first week, it was working well, helping me sleep easily and calming me down. At the beginning I was able to calm my racing thoughts after a few deep breaths.

When reading posts by others who have the same worries I do, something a poster said really got to me: sometimes, some things you just need to ignore because you know it's not true.

Thinking this really helps but it's so hard to ignore! My mind's going all, "do you really want to risk the chance? It's better to be safe than sorry! What if it really happened this time but you didn't notice?" And gosh, all of this is just such a big lie! It's really hard to ignore these thoughts but it's got to be done, otherwise I'm just going to end up feeding these worries more and more and fueling them. Deep breathing and the other relaxation strategies helped clear my mind, and gave me a few minutes of rationalization to fight off these lies my mind tries to feed me. Deep breathing really worked so well! My therapist says that it supplies our body with more oxygen and forces us to relax. That's just grand. Being relaxed and feeling good and happy makes it easier to fight off compulsive urges, I've noticed.

Krishna Himself agrees that the mind (and senses) are very difficult to tame. So what's the solution?

"The easiest way to control the mind, as suggested by Lord Caitanya, is chanting "Hare Krsna," the great mantra for deliverance, in all humility. The method prescribed is sa vai manah krsna-padaravindayoh: one must engage one's mind fully in Krsna. Only then will there remain no other engagements to agitate the mind." - Srila Prabhupada, BG 6:34 Purport

Unfortunately, my mind is such a wild monkey swinging from branch to branch that it is blind to the beautiful flower that is Krishna. Nevertheless, in 6:35 Krishna says constant practice and determination is the key and I believe Him. One day, this agitated mind will see that there is no need to be so agitated and it will come to rest at Krishna's feet.