OCD: Observations

I feel like I've forgotten how to do the simplest of things, like washing my hands, putting on socks, taking a shower... It all feels so different and like I've never done it before. I'm concentrating so much on my every move, trying so hard not to make mistakes and to get it done right. I want to let myself go and just do these things without a second thought, the way I used to.

But how?

I need to relearn things. I need to pretend like I'm a child, and I need to be taught this stuff all over again. And I figure the way to do that is through observation. I've been looking at people around me and trying to imitate them. It's hard, so I try to start with the simple things. Like for instance, I see people drop things on the floor and pick it up. When I drop something on the floor, I will either get someone else to pick it up; or pick it up and then clean my hands; or just leave it there; or get tissues and pick it up and clean the object. No one else does this! By looking at others so easily pick things up off the floor, I figured I ought to be able to do it too. So I made progress with that - I would be able to pick up things but I wouldn't touch the part of it that touched the floor, and I would make sure not to touch the floor with my hands by mistake.

So my plan is to watch others and see how they go about doing things and try to copy them so I can sort of re-learn how to do things. Some things I'd like to eventually be able to do:

Pick things off the floor
Walk barefeet at home
Not care if my pants touch the floor
Not care if I touch the soles of my shoes

Even watching people wash hands has helped a little. Earlier I would panic so much if my hands touched the edge of the sink (it never did by the way - I just keep thinking that it does). But once I watched someone wash their hands and not bother if their hands touched the edge of the sink. That made me feel lighter about it happening, which never does but it makes me feel safe to know that it's okay if it ever does happen one day. Watching people do these things is helpful - it somehow lets me know that if I do the same thing, I'll be just as clean as them. I really just envy how others can feel so clean and I just feel filthy all the time.

What simply amazes me is that people can wash their hands in 30 seconds and I'm in there for 10-15 minutes just washing my hands! Yeah, you bet I'm exhausted!

Sigh. It's been a long few months dealing with all of this every day. But giving up is not the answer. I reckon I'll post a list of my observations when I have enough and then pick some for exposure. These are such small simple things that have become so hard to do. But one day my friends, one day. I need to pick a thing to expose myself to every now and then and keep building it up. Observe. And then expose.

Got it. Not.

Well, we'll see.