OCD: New Obsessions

"For the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate and very strong, O Krsna, and to subdue it is, it seems to me, more difficult than controlling the wind. " - Bhagavad Gita 6:34

Right you are, Arjuna. The mind is a crazy, crazy thing.

There is some good news and some bad news. The good news is that some OCD worries I had before have diminished and don't bother me as much anymore. The bad news is that I have new obsessive and intrusive thoughts that are serving as a replacement. That's what's making my older worries seem less important. Needless to say, I spend hours trying to rationalize with the new obsessions.

So this new obsession is that I am constantly worrying I have accidentally dirtied myself and didn't realize it. So I am always feeling dirty, showering for a very long time and sleeping uncomfortably. Before, at least I used to feel clean after showering. Now, I feel dirty even after I have just stepped out of the shower. As a result, my body is always tense and really tired and stressed.

So I feel like it's back to square 1. Water splashing up on me from the sink seems so unimportant in light of this new worry. I met with my counselor and we're going back to basics - I need to relax.

So we've been working on visualizing relaxing scenes, deep/diaphragmatic breathing and Mindfulness Meditation. For the first week, it was working well, helping me sleep easily and calming me down. At the beginning I was able to calm my racing thoughts after a few deep breaths.

When reading posts by others who have the same worries I do, something a poster said really got to me: sometimes, some things you just need to ignore because you know it's not true.

Thinking this really helps but it's so hard to ignore! My mind's going all, "do you really want to risk the chance? It's better to be safe than sorry! What if it really happened this time but you didn't notice?" And gosh, all of this is just such a big lie! It's really hard to ignore these thoughts but it's got to be done, otherwise I'm just going to end up feeding these worries more and more and fueling them. Deep breathing and the other relaxation strategies helped clear my mind, and gave me a few minutes of rationalization to fight off these lies my mind tries to feed me. Deep breathing really worked so well! My therapist says that it supplies our body with more oxygen and forces us to relax. That's just grand. Being relaxed and feeling good and happy makes it easier to fight off compulsive urges, I've noticed.

Krishna Himself agrees that the mind (and senses) are very difficult to tame. So what's the solution?

"The easiest way to control the mind, as suggested by Lord Caitanya, is chanting "Hare Krsna," the great mantra for deliverance, in all humility. The method prescribed is sa vai manah krsna-padaravindayoh: one must engage one's mind fully in Krsna. Only then will there remain no other engagements to agitate the mind." - Srila Prabhupada, BG 6:34 Purport

Unfortunately, my mind is such a wild monkey swinging from branch to branch that it is blind to the beautiful flower that is Krishna. Nevertheless, in 6:35 Krishna says constant practice and determination is the key and I believe Him. One day, this agitated mind will see that there is no need to be so agitated and it will come to rest at Krishna's feet.

OCD: Distraction

I'm pretty sure most of you will be able to relate when I say I don't remember what it's like to feel normal anymore; I have no idea what normal people would do in given situations, how they would react to things, and their perception of things. I have forgotten simple things like washing my hands, using the bathroom, taking a shower, picking up something off the floor, putting on pants, putting on socks... Who even thinks when performing these actions? It's all done so subconsciously, right? But for those of us with OCD, simple behaviors require tremendous thinking, planning and finally, execution. And by execution, I don't just mean execution of the action. I also mean EXECUTION! as in "Off with yer head!" It makes me feel like I'm going to die! It kills me to perform these actions! Why on earth is it so stressful?!

Here are some of the thoughts that run through my head when I wash my hands:

OCD: "Thought Records"

In my first counseling session, I was just told to try to relax and take some of the pressure off. I needed to sleep better, and avoid tiring and stressing myself out. So after telling me that it was okay to feel the way I was feeling and do the things I was doing, I was told that I needed to take some steps to get better. I needed to realize that I ought to stop, but not suddenly as that would put too much pressure on me, which is what I had been doing by trying to force myself to stop. That's why the counselor kept insisting that it was all okay for me to be like this. I needed to take small steps. Baby steps. Itsy bitsy baby steps. If I tried to run when I couldn't even walk, I'd be flat on the ground.

In the next session, I was given these sheets to fill out, called "Thought Records." It contained the following 4 questions:

OCD: Lesson #1 - Take The Pressure Off

When I first met my counselor, I was under tremendous stress. The fact that things got so unbearable was what pushed me to set an appointment with the counselor. I was crying after showers, after using the washroom, if my towel fell on the floor... My life had just stopped. I just felt like everything was dirty all the time. I felt like everything had been put on hold. And the 2 simple words the counselor told me just took the stress off.

"It's okay."

It's okay. IT'S OKAY. Damn right, it's okay! Why shouldn't it be okay? After days and weeks and months of struggling with trying to be superclean, and telling myself to just stop washing my hands so much, stop trying to clean so much, to just be normal... just hearing that it was okay to be the way I was being made me feel so much better.

OCD: The Beginning

I have 'Contamination OCD' and so, I am deathly afraid of germs and getting dirty. I am not afraid of getting ill or getting a disease. I just simply don't like the "ick" factor. I don't like the feeling of being 'dirty'. I am very concerned about cross-contamination as well, so basically, if A is dirty and it comes into contact with B, and then B comes into contact with C, then C is also dirty.

I find washrooms, bins, floors, shoes, and washing machines repulsive.

When I feel dirty, I start to feel very anxious and I have to clean as soon as possible, or else I won't be able to think about or do anything else until I have cleaned. I panic and stress out a lot when I feel dirty, which results in me crying, feeling upset, and sometimes, hitting something (usually myself). I wash my hands repeatedly and shower for a very long time. I use tons of cleaning/sanitizing products and I cannot imagine doing without them anymore.

All of this began some months ago, sometime in November-December 2010. Somehow, I kept feeling drops of water splashing on me (when there was water running and even when there wasn't). It would make me feel dirty and I would end up washing my hands and arms again and again.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

I went to the psychiatrist a week ago, after going through a few days of horrible stress and anxiety. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD, and he also said some stuff that I totally don't believe. He said I was going to have OCD forever! No way, dude. He said my case was really severe, which it isn't. I would say it's at a moderate level. Even my therapist said that it's not that severe. I felt like he was exaggerating my situation. He prescribed medication but I'm not willing to take them because of the awful side effects. Therapy seems to be working fine for me so I'm going to stick to that.

I plan to post entries about my experiences with OCD, and about the extremely helpful advice that my counsellor gives me, so that others can perhaps also benefit from it.

Krishna, The Prankster

My uncle has been here in Dubai for about 2 months on a visit visa, looking for a job. So of course, I have been praying to Krishna for him. Last weekend, while praying, I got the feeling that he would get the job on the following Sunday. Sunday came and went but he was still unemployed. I thought maybe I had been mistaken. Maybe Krishna didn't really promise me he would get a job on Sunday, but it was merely my own hopes projected onto Krishna.

That same week, on Wednesday morning, an aunt called up my uncle and told him she had seen a job vacancy online, at Emirates.