Hey guys,
It's been a while! Just thought I'd update you all about what's going on with me right now.
I've recently started working. It's a 3-month internship at a large firm here in Dubai. The job is hectic and the pay is very very less, but I'm grateful because I'm getting to learn a lot and it's quite suitable for me considering my health.
On the first day of work, I wanted to quit because the washrooms were terrible. But luckily, I asked my friend about other washrooms in the vicinity and she directed me to one which is quite alright, thank God. It's obviously not up to my standards, but it's manageable. The fact that I am able to manage is very encouraging. I felt like most people thought I quit my previous job because it was all in my head, and my expectations and standards of hygiene are insanely high. People thought that rather than the equipment being the problem, my perceptions of everything was the problem. At one point, even I thought that it was just in my head and that OCD is getting in the way. However, now I am SURE that it is not my perception. The washrooms at my new office are more or less the 'normal' kind and function well. They are one of those funky designed ones that look so fancy, like at my previous job. And the fact of the matter is that I can handle it and I don't complain as much! This just proves to me that I am not insane and that in normal circumstances, I can really manage. Even if I didn't have OCD and had to use the washrooms in the previous office, I would have complained a lot. This is just so reassuring to me and makes me feel sane!
I take a long time when I visit the washroom but at least I feel relatively clean. And another amazing breakthrough I had since I started working is that now I can get out of the house without showering, which is something I haven't done in a year! I usually take about 1 - 1.5 hours to shower (yes I know, that is insanely long but I have many rituals to go through when I shower). So I have to be ready to leave for work by 6:45. In order to shower and have enough time to get ready and have breakfast, I would have to wake up at about 4 am. Then I would have to shower, and then go to work. And obviously, I will get dirty at work so I will have to shower again when I come back home. This would waste about 3-4 hours of my day everyday just showering. My skin is already chapped and wrinkly, and often sore with burns from strong soaps. My hair too would get weaker than it already is with the constant washing. So I figured I'd just shower at night right before bed. On the second day of work, I had showered before bed so when I woke up I was still feeling clean. Then I went to the washroom to freshen up and nothing went wrong, to my surprise. No water splashed on me, I didn't accidentally touch anything dirty, etc. so I decided not to shower! It was amazing! The feeling was amazing! Then I just showered when I came home from work and this is what I do now on most days. On some days when I feel dirty in the morning, I just simply take a body bath. This is also something I haven't done in a year! All of this is thanks to Krishna's mercy. A few months - no a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have even dreamed of taking only a body bath or going out of the house without showering first.
I am also now able to pick up things from the floor (without touching the floor), thanks to the exposure exercises I was doing on my own. Now I can even not care if my clothes touch the ground when I'm putting them on. All of these is truly amazing and I can hardly believe it. I am also wearing new clothes again. I had stopped wearing new clothes and simply wore my old, safe-to-wash clothes before because I was afraid of ruining my good clothes. I still wear only those clothes that can be safely washed but I'm making an effort to buy those clothes that look good too and won't get ruined in the washing machine. I have been shopping and trying on new clothes, which is something I haven't done in ages because of the fear of making them dirty. My counselor says I should be proud of myself because I have come a long way and now that I think of it, I actually really have. There is still a long way for me to go, but it is not as long as it used to be. And this is all thanks to Krishna, to my friends and family, and to all you dear devotees who supported me and prayed for me, so thank you :)
Another good thing is that in my office, most of the people are Indians/Hindus so I have the liberty to put up wallpapers and posters of Krishna at my desk which I have done with so much pleasure. I enjoy working and then looking over to my right and seeing Krishna's beautiful face smiling down at me :) Truly, His mercy knows no bounds. I was disheartened at taking this job because it is just an internship and the pay is so less, but my friend says that perhaps God wanted me to get this job so that my OCD would come under control and I would get used to working and then I would be able to handle other environments. Who knows? Krishna has His own plans for me and all I need to do is surrender to His will!
I just hope now that I either get a permanent job offer at this company soon, or that I get a good job after the duration of my internship in a company where the environment (i.e. the office washrooms lol) are good and suitable for me!
I am also working as a blog writer for a new company here in Dubai. This truly is a dream come true. I have been hoping and waiting for a chance to do some official writing and get my name published. In University, I had hoped of publishing papers in collaboration with University professors but never got an opportunity. Now finally, I can WRITE! I am so thrilled about this and so thankful to God for this! It is an unpaid job, but I don't really care because I really want to make a name out of myself in the writing world!
Until next time, everyone! :)
Hare Krishna!
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Monday, 21 November 2011
OCD and The Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 2 Verses 1-10
Verse 2.1 mentions that Krishna is filled with mercy and compassion upon seeing Arjuna's state. Similarly, we can understand that Krishna is merciful towards us when He sees us in this miserable state of confusion and doubt. We need to understand from this verse that Krishna does see our suffering and He is merciful and compassionate towards us, even though we may not realize it.
The verse further addresses Krishna as Madhusudhana. The purport by Srila Prabhupada explains that this is significant because Krishna vanquished a demon named Madhu thus giving rise to this name of His. He is addressed as Madhusudhana because He destroyed a demon and now Arjuna needs Him to destroy the demon of doubt and illusion. We too need him to do the same for us. The purport further explains that compassion for our outward bodies will not save us. Isn't this what we are doing? I know I'm doing it. I'm wasting a lot of time everyday trying to keep myself clean, and I worry constantly and germs and getting dirty. I don't know why I'm trying so hard to be clean and why it bothers me so much. But I do know that I am catering to the needs of my external body, rather than my spiritual needs.
Then Krishna says, "My dear Arjuna." Oh, if only I could hear Him addressing me like this, all my worries would go away! Whether we hear Him or not, the fact of the matter is that He is always talking to us and addressing us in this way. Krishna asks Arjuna how come he is thinking such things. He might as well be asking us how we can be focusing so much on such mundane issues - worrying whether my hands are clean, whether the doors are locked, that germs are bad... Obviously, these are good things to do but people with OCD do these things a lot more times than needed. The Lord has given us intelligence and wisdom. Most of us now have the opportunity to be educated and work and build careers. So where do these thoughts come from? Krishna says, "Give up such petty weakness of heart and arise, O chastiser of the enemy." So this is what me must do. Forget why and how things have come to be as they are. Krishna has instructed us to be strong and fight.
Again, Arjuna is confused. I can relate to his confusion by my doubts which arise, saying it is better to be clean. It is good to be clean. It's better to be safe than sorry. Maybe my hands didn't touch anything dirty, but can I take the risk that it did? Then I am stuck. Torn between deciding whether to shower again, wash my hands again, change my clothes again... Because I know that once I start cleaning, it's going to take a while to stop. And I will feel even dirtier than before.
Arjuna says in verse 7:
Now I am confused about my duty and have lost all composure because of weakness. In this condition I am asking You to tell me clearly what is best for me. Now I am Your disciple, and a soul surrendered unto You. Please instruct me.
This should be our prayer. This should be our state of mind. We are weak and flawed, but God isn't. He is the only one who knows what is best for us and what is the best plan of action. So through this, Arjuna is teaching us that we should always surrender to Krishna. Humbly go before Him, as His disciples, ready to take instruction from Him and do what He says. Surrender to Krishna, the way Arjuna is showing us how. And like Krishna led Arjuna out of the battle victorious, He will lead us out of this victorious too.
Arjuna then goes on to express his grief. The degree of his grief and lamentation is immense which only adds to the fact that no matter the problem, God can clear all obstacles. Arjuna is teaching us again that only surrender to Krishna can solve all our problems. Arjuna then says that he will not fight. And Krishna smiles in response, in the middle of a battlefield. Can you imagine? Arjuna is bewildered, there is about to be the greatest war of all time, and Krishna is smiling compassionately upon Arjuna. Here we are, lost and confused, fighting our own wars, and Krishna is smiling down upon us.
The next post will cover what Krishna says to Arjuna and us as He compassionately smiles at us.
The verse further addresses Krishna as Madhusudhana. The purport by Srila Prabhupada explains that this is significant because Krishna vanquished a demon named Madhu thus giving rise to this name of His. He is addressed as Madhusudhana because He destroyed a demon and now Arjuna needs Him to destroy the demon of doubt and illusion. We too need him to do the same for us. The purport further explains that compassion for our outward bodies will not save us. Isn't this what we are doing? I know I'm doing it. I'm wasting a lot of time everyday trying to keep myself clean, and I worry constantly and germs and getting dirty. I don't know why I'm trying so hard to be clean and why it bothers me so much. But I do know that I am catering to the needs of my external body, rather than my spiritual needs.
Then Krishna says, "My dear Arjuna." Oh, if only I could hear Him addressing me like this, all my worries would go away! Whether we hear Him or not, the fact of the matter is that He is always talking to us and addressing us in this way. Krishna asks Arjuna how come he is thinking such things. He might as well be asking us how we can be focusing so much on such mundane issues - worrying whether my hands are clean, whether the doors are locked, that germs are bad... Obviously, these are good things to do but people with OCD do these things a lot more times than needed. The Lord has given us intelligence and wisdom. Most of us now have the opportunity to be educated and work and build careers. So where do these thoughts come from? Krishna says, "Give up such petty weakness of heart and arise, O chastiser of the enemy." So this is what me must do. Forget why and how things have come to be as they are. Krishna has instructed us to be strong and fight.
Again, Arjuna is confused. I can relate to his confusion by my doubts which arise, saying it is better to be clean. It is good to be clean. It's better to be safe than sorry. Maybe my hands didn't touch anything dirty, but can I take the risk that it did? Then I am stuck. Torn between deciding whether to shower again, wash my hands again, change my clothes again... Because I know that once I start cleaning, it's going to take a while to stop. And I will feel even dirtier than before.
Arjuna says in verse 7:
Now I am confused about my duty and have lost all composure because of weakness. In this condition I am asking You to tell me clearly what is best for me. Now I am Your disciple, and a soul surrendered unto You. Please instruct me.
This should be our prayer. This should be our state of mind. We are weak and flawed, but God isn't. He is the only one who knows what is best for us and what is the best plan of action. So through this, Arjuna is teaching us that we should always surrender to Krishna. Humbly go before Him, as His disciples, ready to take instruction from Him and do what He says. Surrender to Krishna, the way Arjuna is showing us how. And like Krishna led Arjuna out of the battle victorious, He will lead us out of this victorious too.
Arjuna then goes on to express his grief. The degree of his grief and lamentation is immense which only adds to the fact that no matter the problem, God can clear all obstacles. Arjuna is teaching us again that only surrender to Krishna can solve all our problems. Arjuna then says that he will not fight. And Krishna smiles in response, in the middle of a battlefield. Can you imagine? Arjuna is bewildered, there is about to be the greatest war of all time, and Krishna is smiling compassionately upon Arjuna. Here we are, lost and confused, fighting our own wars, and Krishna is smiling down upon us.
The next post will cover what Krishna says to Arjuna and us as He compassionately smiles at us.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
OCD and the Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 1 Verses 21 - 46
So we stand now, with our chariot drawn by Krishna in between the two armies: ours and OCD.
Now we face Arjuna's dilemma: we lose the will to fight. OCD and other illnesses, anxiety, depression, all of these have become so in-built in us now. They are like a part of us and we are hesitant to fight back. It's going to be hard to fight this army. What if we lose? What if our conditions worsen? What if nothing gets better?
In the beginning of my struggle with OCD, when I had realized that I had a problem, I didn't think I needed to fight it. I thought it was just a phase and that I would get over it in some time. So I didn't do anything. Arjuna didn't want to kill his family members so even he put down his weapons and thought he would do nothing.
Must we also do this? Must we remain inactive and thus let OCD win?
Explore what Krsna has to say to Arjuna and to us in the next post.
Now we face Arjuna's dilemma: we lose the will to fight. OCD and other illnesses, anxiety, depression, all of these have become so in-built in us now. They are like a part of us and we are hesitant to fight back. It's going to be hard to fight this army. What if we lose? What if our conditions worsen? What if nothing gets better?
In the beginning of my struggle with OCD, when I had realized that I had a problem, I didn't think I needed to fight it. I thought it was just a phase and that I would get over it in some time. So I didn't do anything. Arjuna didn't want to kill his family members so even he put down his weapons and thought he would do nothing.
Must we also do this? Must we remain inactive and thus let OCD win?
Explore what Krsna has to say to Arjuna and to us in the next post.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
OCD and The Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 1 Verses 1-20
As promised, here I am starting a study of the Bhagavad Gita and applying it to OCD (and other undesirable physical/mental states, if you will).
I would like to mention here that the information that will follow in this series of discussions is in no way authorized by Vaishnava scholars. It is most definitely not a literal interpretation. It is simply an attempt to take Lord Krishna's words seriously and use the knowledge He has distributed to overcome problems in my life. Readers can similarly fill in the blanks with their own personal problems and try to approach it through the lens of the Gita. I have searched online for such an application of the Gita's wisdom but never found any. Similarly, lots of search results have appeared on my blog, looking for advice from the Gita with regards to OCD. Thus I hope and pray this will be a learning experience for me as well as fellow sufferers who are seeking support from Krishna and the Gita. I hope this does not offend anyone in any way and beg your forgiveness if I accidentally do so in the future. In which case I would appreciate being made aware of my errors so I can correct them.
Before I begin, I would just like to say a little prayer: Dear Krishna, I want to thank you for you have mercifully given us this eternal knowledge in the form of this scripture known as the Bhagavad Gita. I am starting a new study of it, applying your teachings to overcome my poor health and OCD. Lord, please help me to understand your teachings and to apply them well. Please help me to avoid offending you or anyone else. Please let this be a great learning experience for all those who take part in it and let it strengthen our faith in you. I pray, God, that we may be able to overcome these problems with your help. Lord, fill us with divine revelations from you through this study and give us the senses to hear, see and understand you. I realize that your pure devotees do not have any requests from you, except devotional service, but I am far from being a pure devotee. I am in distress and I have come seeking your refuge. Please give me shelter at your feet, Lord, for there is no one for me but you.
Text:
I am going to be referring to Bhagavad Gita As It Is by AC Bhaktivedanta Swami Srila Prabhupada. A good website for it is: www.asitis.com
Bhagavad Gita Verses 1-20
Dhritarastra is asking Sanjaya about what is taking place on the battlefield who sees it through his special gift of vision. He describes the armies on the battlefield to Dhritarastra.
So here we are, ready to fight. The question is: did you choose Krishna to be on your side or did you choose His army? If you chose for Krishna to be on your side, let me tell you now, you will emerge victorious. This is Krishna's promise to us. Let us get ready now to face the demons, with Krishna on our side to guide us and support us. As Sanjaya describes the armies are on the battlefield, ready for war. So right now, let's step onto the battlefield, ready to take on OCD.
Our army comprises of Krishna, knowledge, light, truth, balance, sensibility, rationality, humility, patience and tolerance.
The opposing army comprises of our problems, OCD, poor health, illnesses, stress, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, and lack of will power.
The opposing army is strong. They have proven to be victorious over and over. Duryodhana believes that our side is limited in strength and prowess and that the enemy will surely emerge victorious once again like they have over many others before. Like Duryodhana wanted to rule over the Pandavas and their kingdom, our problems want to take over us. They do not want us to be free. Many people have given over their lives to illnesses and depression. Some have given up their lives because of it. Others have lost their lives to it. But we shall do neither of these. Krishna is on our side and we will emerge victorious, no matter what Duryodhana or OCD or our problems think!
The war is about to begin. We are about to take on the enemy. Everyone draws their conch shells, signifying the start of the battle. The conch shells of the opposing army are no doubt mighty, but the conch shell of Krishna is the mightiest of all! Thus when our army blows the conch shells, it shatters the heart of the enemy (BG 1.19). OCD, illness and depression don't stand a chance against us. Already just with the blowing of the conch shells, they have weakened. Victory belongs to those who surrender to Krishna!
But like Arjuna stumbled before them, hesitating to fight them, will we? Should we? Should we also refuse to fight in the battle and simply give up? We'll find out in the next post!
I would like to mention here that the information that will follow in this series of discussions is in no way authorized by Vaishnava scholars. It is most definitely not a literal interpretation. It is simply an attempt to take Lord Krishna's words seriously and use the knowledge He has distributed to overcome problems in my life. Readers can similarly fill in the blanks with their own personal problems and try to approach it through the lens of the Gita. I have searched online for such an application of the Gita's wisdom but never found any. Similarly, lots of search results have appeared on my blog, looking for advice from the Gita with regards to OCD. Thus I hope and pray this will be a learning experience for me as well as fellow sufferers who are seeking support from Krishna and the Gita. I hope this does not offend anyone in any way and beg your forgiveness if I accidentally do so in the future. In which case I would appreciate being made aware of my errors so I can correct them.
Before I begin, I would just like to say a little prayer: Dear Krishna, I want to thank you for you have mercifully given us this eternal knowledge in the form of this scripture known as the Bhagavad Gita. I am starting a new study of it, applying your teachings to overcome my poor health and OCD. Lord, please help me to understand your teachings and to apply them well. Please help me to avoid offending you or anyone else. Please let this be a great learning experience for all those who take part in it and let it strengthen our faith in you. I pray, God, that we may be able to overcome these problems with your help. Lord, fill us with divine revelations from you through this study and give us the senses to hear, see and understand you. I realize that your pure devotees do not have any requests from you, except devotional service, but I am far from being a pure devotee. I am in distress and I have come seeking your refuge. Please give me shelter at your feet, Lord, for there is no one for me but you.
Text:
I am going to be referring to Bhagavad Gita As It Is by AC Bhaktivedanta Swami Srila Prabhupada. A good website for it is: www.asitis.com
Bhagavad Gita Verses 1-20
Dhritarastra is asking Sanjaya about what is taking place on the battlefield who sees it through his special gift of vision. He describes the armies on the battlefield to Dhritarastra.
So here we are, ready to fight. The question is: did you choose Krishna to be on your side or did you choose His army? If you chose for Krishna to be on your side, let me tell you now, you will emerge victorious. This is Krishna's promise to us. Let us get ready now to face the demons, with Krishna on our side to guide us and support us. As Sanjaya describes the armies are on the battlefield, ready for war. So right now, let's step onto the battlefield, ready to take on OCD.
Our army comprises of Krishna, knowledge, light, truth, balance, sensibility, rationality, humility, patience and tolerance.
The opposing army comprises of our problems, OCD, poor health, illnesses, stress, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, and lack of will power.
The opposing army is strong. They have proven to be victorious over and over. Duryodhana believes that our side is limited in strength and prowess and that the enemy will surely emerge victorious once again like they have over many others before. Like Duryodhana wanted to rule over the Pandavas and their kingdom, our problems want to take over us. They do not want us to be free. Many people have given over their lives to illnesses and depression. Some have given up their lives because of it. Others have lost their lives to it. But we shall do neither of these. Krishna is on our side and we will emerge victorious, no matter what Duryodhana or OCD or our problems think!
The war is about to begin. We are about to take on the enemy. Everyone draws their conch shells, signifying the start of the battle. The conch shells of the opposing army are no doubt mighty, but the conch shell of Krishna is the mightiest of all! Thus when our army blows the conch shells, it shatters the heart of the enemy (BG 1.19). OCD, illness and depression don't stand a chance against us. Already just with the blowing of the conch shells, they have weakened. Victory belongs to those who surrender to Krishna!
But like Arjuna stumbled before them, hesitating to fight them, will we? Should we? Should we also refuse to fight in the battle and simply give up? We'll find out in the next post!
Thursday, 6 October 2011
A Letter to Krishna
Dear Krishna,
I miss you. Its been such a long time since I felt close to you. Like always, its my fault. I don't spend enough time with you and getting to know you. Do you miss me too Krishna? I know you do. You always do. But why do you stay so far away from me sometimes? Why do you make me long for you like this?
Things have been hard for me lately. With this OCD, and weak physical condition, every day has become difficult. But this must be part of your plan for me. It must be necessary for me so that I can become the person that you want me to be, so that I can realize my true spiritual identity, and so that I can learn to depend on you and trust you. You didn't hide this misery from us. From the beginning you told us that this world is dukhalayam asasvatam - full of miseries. You told us that while we are in this material world, we will experience birth, disease, old age and death. So this was no secret. Of course. You would never hide anything from us.
Despite knowing this, I still waste my time trying to find material happiness instead of trying to find you. But Gopinath, do you think I am being too materialistic when I ask you for things? I should hope not. I wouldn't want to disappoint you and put to waste all the time and effort you spent on molding me. While I am in this material world, I am going to have needs. You understand this of course. That's why you have so mercifully given us ways to make our material desires spiritual ones by keeping you in the center. It is not easy to do this all the time because I still have a long way to go on this path to being able to even be called a devotee of Lord Krishna. So I will admit I still have many material desires. And I almost always beg you to grant my wishes. If I don't come to you, if I don't ask you, then whom shall I ask? There is no one for me but you. Forgive me Lord for asking you for so much all the time. Every day I have a new demand. But Krishna, just like you waited for Sudama to ask you to fulfill his needs, I know you expect us to come to you with our needs.
I cannot compare myself to Sudama, I know. But I am trying to learn from your leelas. Am I your friend, Lord? Are you mine? You are the Eternal Friend of every soul in this entire creation. And as your friend, my dear dear Govinda, I am asking you to be my release, to be my guide, to provide for me, to support me, to stay by my side, to protect me and to help me love you forever. If you think of me as your friend, Gopinath, please consider my requests. In the Gita, you say that the reasons one approaches you is either (1) due to distress, (2) due to desire of wealth, (3) out of curiosity and (4) to know the absolute truth. My Lord, I have come before you now because I am in distress and I desire for you to provide for me.
I am tired of this weak physical condition. I am tired of having OCD. It depresses me so much that I do not have a job while all my friends do. I know earlier I wanted a job simply because all my friends had one and I didn't. And I'm glad you didn't give me a job at that time because that is a terrible attitude to have. It is selfish. It would feed my ego. Then when I got a job, it was low paying. Again, it was much lesser than my friends were getting. But again, I am glad about it because that too would have fed my ego about how much money I had. But Gopal, I had to quit that job. I had to quit. After 9 months of trouble finding a job, struggling with OCD and failing health, I finally found the perfect job. But I had to quit because of the washrooms. It hurts so bad Gopinath it hurts so bad. The morning after I quit I woke up feeling the deepest regret - thinking I should have gone to work and tried to use the washroom again, should have tried to adjust to it... I should have. I would have still had my job, I would have fallen in love with my job, I would have earned money at the end of the month and donated some to propagate Krishna Consciousness, and helped pay for my sister's university fees, helped my family... But I had to quit, Gopinath. And I feel so much regret. I wish I was stronger than this.
But I am starting to think that it all happened so fast. And that it was all your desire. It was your will. Not even a blade of grass moves without your sanction so how could this have happened if it wasn't in your desire? My Lord, you have your reasons for this which I cannot see right now but I trust that it will be revealed to me in time.
I trust you Krsna. Lately I've been seeing a lot of reminders of you. On the first day of work, I saw a devotee chanting in the metro. That was new! I never saw any devotees in the metro before. Then day before yesterday while driving, I saw a devotee chanting in the car in the lane on my left! Again, this was something completely new. Yesterday, I asked you for a sign to give me hope about my job and to release me from these feelings of regret. I asked you to give me a sign so I would know that your plan for me is in action and you have a job in my future. And I saw a devotee from my Gita class (which was also supposed to be yesterday) at the hypermarket. I have rarely ever seen devotees outside. And it was a big shocker since Gita class was supposed to have been going on at that hour. Maybe it was cancelled, I don't know. But I felt like it was a sign from you, Krsna, reminding me of you and of your family of devotees.
You have made me realize that this is not a competition. It is not a race. I don't need to earn a salary that is higher than that of my friends. And I thank you for this realization. While some of my friends have reached the top with little effort, perhaps I am one of those people who needs to work hard and struggle to get there. No complaints, Gopinath, for it is your divine will. All I ask is your company. Just stay with me and I will fight this war.
Oh Madhava, please help me find a job that will suit me perfectly in every way, and which will not hamper my devotional service to you. Lord, help me overcome these feelings of regret. Krsna, heal me of these ailments and make me well again. Please God. I beg you. There is no one to help me but you. You are my only friend and you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Please fill me with the spirit of your devotion. Fill me with your love and faith. I thank you for all the blessings in my life and I thank you for the blessings I know you will continue to pour on me. Forgive me for having upset you so many times. I love you, Krsna. I trust you with my heart and soul. Please stay close to me, my beautiful Madhava. Stay close to my heart and love me always.
Sincerely,
Your daughter
I miss you. Its been such a long time since I felt close to you. Like always, its my fault. I don't spend enough time with you and getting to know you. Do you miss me too Krishna? I know you do. You always do. But why do you stay so far away from me sometimes? Why do you make me long for you like this?
Things have been hard for me lately. With this OCD, and weak physical condition, every day has become difficult. But this must be part of your plan for me. It must be necessary for me so that I can become the person that you want me to be, so that I can realize my true spiritual identity, and so that I can learn to depend on you and trust you. You didn't hide this misery from us. From the beginning you told us that this world is dukhalayam asasvatam - full of miseries. You told us that while we are in this material world, we will experience birth, disease, old age and death. So this was no secret. Of course. You would never hide anything from us.
Despite knowing this, I still waste my time trying to find material happiness instead of trying to find you. But Gopinath, do you think I am being too materialistic when I ask you for things? I should hope not. I wouldn't want to disappoint you and put to waste all the time and effort you spent on molding me. While I am in this material world, I am going to have needs. You understand this of course. That's why you have so mercifully given us ways to make our material desires spiritual ones by keeping you in the center. It is not easy to do this all the time because I still have a long way to go on this path to being able to even be called a devotee of Lord Krishna. So I will admit I still have many material desires. And I almost always beg you to grant my wishes. If I don't come to you, if I don't ask you, then whom shall I ask? There is no one for me but you. Forgive me Lord for asking you for so much all the time. Every day I have a new demand. But Krishna, just like you waited for Sudama to ask you to fulfill his needs, I know you expect us to come to you with our needs.
I cannot compare myself to Sudama, I know. But I am trying to learn from your leelas. Am I your friend, Lord? Are you mine? You are the Eternal Friend of every soul in this entire creation. And as your friend, my dear dear Govinda, I am asking you to be my release, to be my guide, to provide for me, to support me, to stay by my side, to protect me and to help me love you forever. If you think of me as your friend, Gopinath, please consider my requests. In the Gita, you say that the reasons one approaches you is either (1) due to distress, (2) due to desire of wealth, (3) out of curiosity and (4) to know the absolute truth. My Lord, I have come before you now because I am in distress and I desire for you to provide for me.
I am tired of this weak physical condition. I am tired of having OCD. It depresses me so much that I do not have a job while all my friends do. I know earlier I wanted a job simply because all my friends had one and I didn't. And I'm glad you didn't give me a job at that time because that is a terrible attitude to have. It is selfish. It would feed my ego. Then when I got a job, it was low paying. Again, it was much lesser than my friends were getting. But again, I am glad about it because that too would have fed my ego about how much money I had. But Gopal, I had to quit that job. I had to quit. After 9 months of trouble finding a job, struggling with OCD and failing health, I finally found the perfect job. But I had to quit because of the washrooms. It hurts so bad Gopinath it hurts so bad. The morning after I quit I woke up feeling the deepest regret - thinking I should have gone to work and tried to use the washroom again, should have tried to adjust to it... I should have. I would have still had my job, I would have fallen in love with my job, I would have earned money at the end of the month and donated some to propagate Krishna Consciousness, and helped pay for my sister's university fees, helped my family... But I had to quit, Gopinath. And I feel so much regret. I wish I was stronger than this.
But I am starting to think that it all happened so fast. And that it was all your desire. It was your will. Not even a blade of grass moves without your sanction so how could this have happened if it wasn't in your desire? My Lord, you have your reasons for this which I cannot see right now but I trust that it will be revealed to me in time.
I trust you Krsna. Lately I've been seeing a lot of reminders of you. On the first day of work, I saw a devotee chanting in the metro. That was new! I never saw any devotees in the metro before. Then day before yesterday while driving, I saw a devotee chanting in the car in the lane on my left! Again, this was something completely new. Yesterday, I asked you for a sign to give me hope about my job and to release me from these feelings of regret. I asked you to give me a sign so I would know that your plan for me is in action and you have a job in my future. And I saw a devotee from my Gita class (which was also supposed to be yesterday) at the hypermarket. I have rarely ever seen devotees outside. And it was a big shocker since Gita class was supposed to have been going on at that hour. Maybe it was cancelled, I don't know. But I felt like it was a sign from you, Krsna, reminding me of you and of your family of devotees.
You have made me realize that this is not a competition. It is not a race. I don't need to earn a salary that is higher than that of my friends. And I thank you for this realization. While some of my friends have reached the top with little effort, perhaps I am one of those people who needs to work hard and struggle to get there. No complaints, Gopinath, for it is your divine will. All I ask is your company. Just stay with me and I will fight this war.
Oh Madhava, please help me find a job that will suit me perfectly in every way, and which will not hamper my devotional service to you. Lord, help me overcome these feelings of regret. Krsna, heal me of these ailments and make me well again. Please God. I beg you. There is no one to help me but you. You are my only friend and you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Please fill me with the spirit of your devotion. Fill me with your love and faith. I thank you for all the blessings in my life and I thank you for the blessings I know you will continue to pour on me. Forgive me for having upset you so many times. I love you, Krsna. I trust you with my heart and soul. Please stay close to me, my beautiful Madhava. Stay close to my heart and love me always.
Sincerely,
Your daughter
Monday, 3 October 2011
I quit
I quit my job.
I could not even last a day there!
I cannot even begin to express how upset I am about the whole situation. The office itself was great. Since it was my first day, the whole office took me to the restaurant downstairs for a welcome lunch. Everyone was awfully nice to me. As soon as they saw me they came over to introduce themselves to me. The office and job was really perfect. I could wear casual clothes and sandals to work! So I wouldn't even worry about dirtying my "good clothes".
But alas... The office washroom had to be pathetic. And believe me it was not just my perception of the washroom. The bathrooms really were very bad. It seemed obvious that they invested in style rather than performance and functionality. So appearance wise they were clean and stylish but very difficult and uncomfortable to use.
To stay at the job, I thought I'd look for other better washrooms nearby. I checked the hotel washroom, the one in the next office building, and also the one next to that. All of them seemed to have been designed with the same protocol in mind: that of looking good. Pipes were leaking, buttons requiring immense strength, splashing faucets, water pressure all wrong... Oh it was a nightmare!
After my first day at work ended, I got home and sent out a long, confidential email honestly telling my bosses that I was diagnosed with OCD and while it was under control, the environment outside of the office was aggravating my situation and I cannot take up this job. They were very nice about it and said that my health is priority and that they were disappointed to see me go. I am disappointed too. After 9 months I had finally found a good job at a great, warm and welcoming office. Sadly due to bad facilities I had to leave.
Trust me, I feel so stupid even saying that I left my job because of poor functioning washrooms. It seems so silly! If there was a way to work around it I would have stayed. I felt really stupid swapping washrooms too. Like the one in the lobby had a tiny sink. So I would use the tiny sink for the time being and then go upstairs and use the bigger sink in the office washroom to wash my hands again till I felt clean. Same problem with the other building washrooms. My skin had terrible red cuts, burns and sores from using the strong soap in their washrooms so much. I kept going back and forth from one washroom to another, feeling unbearably filthy all day long.
Being the way that I am, I feel a sense of regret, thinking what if I tried again and I could just force myself to use the facilities and get used to it. But if I stayed at the job, I would end up feeling disgusting everyday. I would get used to it in the office but as soon as I came home, I would have to handwash my clothes, shower again (which takes 1-1.5 hours just by the way), and end up sleeping late and then wake up a few hours later (at 3 AM) to shower again to make it on time for work.
And I don't want that kind of a life.
So I quit.
One of the reasons I decided to work was so that I would be put in situations where I have to interact with others, and so I would be forced to use a washroom outside of my house. But it's so unfair that I would be made to use a washroom that doesn't even fit normal standards! If it was a normal, well functioning washroom, I would not have complained like this. And I still would have had a job.
In a way it was an eye opener. Being in a bad situation yesterday made me realize how much better I have it at home even though I used to complain about it. In a way it was a blessing because now I feel slightly relaxed to be using washrooms that I feel a little comfortable in.
Anyway, today is a new day so I'm going to start my job hunt again. Oh Krishna, please help me find a good job in an environment I will be comfortable in.
I could not even last a day there!
I cannot even begin to express how upset I am about the whole situation. The office itself was great. Since it was my first day, the whole office took me to the restaurant downstairs for a welcome lunch. Everyone was awfully nice to me. As soon as they saw me they came over to introduce themselves to me. The office and job was really perfect. I could wear casual clothes and sandals to work! So I wouldn't even worry about dirtying my "good clothes".
But alas... The office washroom had to be pathetic. And believe me it was not just my perception of the washroom. The bathrooms really were very bad. It seemed obvious that they invested in style rather than performance and functionality. So appearance wise they were clean and stylish but very difficult and uncomfortable to use.
To stay at the job, I thought I'd look for other better washrooms nearby. I checked the hotel washroom, the one in the next office building, and also the one next to that. All of them seemed to have been designed with the same protocol in mind: that of looking good. Pipes were leaking, buttons requiring immense strength, splashing faucets, water pressure all wrong... Oh it was a nightmare!
After my first day at work ended, I got home and sent out a long, confidential email honestly telling my bosses that I was diagnosed with OCD and while it was under control, the environment outside of the office was aggravating my situation and I cannot take up this job. They were very nice about it and said that my health is priority and that they were disappointed to see me go. I am disappointed too. After 9 months I had finally found a good job at a great, warm and welcoming office. Sadly due to bad facilities I had to leave.
Trust me, I feel so stupid even saying that I left my job because of poor functioning washrooms. It seems so silly! If there was a way to work around it I would have stayed. I felt really stupid swapping washrooms too. Like the one in the lobby had a tiny sink. So I would use the tiny sink for the time being and then go upstairs and use the bigger sink in the office washroom to wash my hands again till I felt clean. Same problem with the other building washrooms. My skin had terrible red cuts, burns and sores from using the strong soap in their washrooms so much. I kept going back and forth from one washroom to another, feeling unbearably filthy all day long.
Being the way that I am, I feel a sense of regret, thinking what if I tried again and I could just force myself to use the facilities and get used to it. But if I stayed at the job, I would end up feeling disgusting everyday. I would get used to it in the office but as soon as I came home, I would have to handwash my clothes, shower again (which takes 1-1.5 hours just by the way), and end up sleeping late and then wake up a few hours later (at 3 AM) to shower again to make it on time for work.
And I don't want that kind of a life.
So I quit.
One of the reasons I decided to work was so that I would be put in situations where I have to interact with others, and so I would be forced to use a washroom outside of my house. But it's so unfair that I would be made to use a washroom that doesn't even fit normal standards! If it was a normal, well functioning washroom, I would not have complained like this. And I still would have had a job.
In a way it was an eye opener. Being in a bad situation yesterday made me realize how much better I have it at home even though I used to complain about it. In a way it was a blessing because now I feel slightly relaxed to be using washrooms that I feel a little comfortable in.
Anyway, today is a new day so I'm going to start my job hunt again. Oh Krishna, please help me find a good job in an environment I will be comfortable in.
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
I feel blessed
I am pleased to tell you all that Krishna has blessed me with a job! Thank You, Lord. I doubted You but like always, You have proved me wrong.
The job role is that of a Market Research Assistant in an international company here in Dubai. The good thing about this office is the casual atmosphere so I don't need to wear formal clothes. And it's a desk job so I don't have to go into unfamiliar environments. So this is great considering the fact that I have OCD and these were some of my main concerns.
It is much much better than the other jobs I had been offered. It is in an accessible area, close to some of my friends' offices, and best of all - they work NORMAL hours i.e. 40 hours/week. Most companies work 6 days/week and 10 hours/day. This again is another blessing because working 6 days a week would really kill me!
I'm beginning to think that Krishna was just waiting until I was ready to work. By His mercy, my mental and physical health has been slowly getting better. In the middle I decided to quit looking for a job because it felt like it was too much to handle. But recently I started going for interviews again. And obviously I was upset when I didn't receive callbacks. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't because at that time, working would have been quite difficult and those offices were so far away and not of very good standards (in terms of my hygiene obsessions). Those jobs required traveling and moving around a lot and that's something I'm not ready for yet.
The pay isn't a lot, as compared to what some of my friends are getting. But honestly, after about 9 months of looking for a job, I'm grateful. Grateful to Krishna and grateful to all of you who have wished me well. My family could use the financial help and I could use the experience. My therapist said it would be a good idea to work because it would put me in situations where I have to deal with things. For instance if I get dirty, I can't shower there. So I have to sit through it, do my work and then go home. So it will leave me no choice but to deal with it and make my peace with it.
Well let's see how it goes. My first day of work is going to be on October 2nd. Here's hoping everything goes well and Krishna stays right there with me like a parent stays with a child on their first day of school. I hope I'll be able to do this job well and make the most of it, and also, that the bathrooms are beautiful and to my liking!
The job role is that of a Market Research Assistant in an international company here in Dubai. The good thing about this office is the casual atmosphere so I don't need to wear formal clothes. And it's a desk job so I don't have to go into unfamiliar environments. So this is great considering the fact that I have OCD and these were some of my main concerns.
It is much much better than the other jobs I had been offered. It is in an accessible area, close to some of my friends' offices, and best of all - they work NORMAL hours i.e. 40 hours/week. Most companies work 6 days/week and 10 hours/day. This again is another blessing because working 6 days a week would really kill me!
I'm beginning to think that Krishna was just waiting until I was ready to work. By His mercy, my mental and physical health has been slowly getting better. In the middle I decided to quit looking for a job because it felt like it was too much to handle. But recently I started going for interviews again. And obviously I was upset when I didn't receive callbacks. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't because at that time, working would have been quite difficult and those offices were so far away and not of very good standards (in terms of my hygiene obsessions). Those jobs required traveling and moving around a lot and that's something I'm not ready for yet.
The pay isn't a lot, as compared to what some of my friends are getting. But honestly, after about 9 months of looking for a job, I'm grateful. Grateful to Krishna and grateful to all of you who have wished me well. My family could use the financial help and I could use the experience. My therapist said it would be a good idea to work because it would put me in situations where I have to deal with things. For instance if I get dirty, I can't shower there. So I have to sit through it, do my work and then go home. So it will leave me no choice but to deal with it and make my peace with it.
Well let's see how it goes. My first day of work is going to be on October 2nd. Here's hoping everything goes well and Krishna stays right there with me like a parent stays with a child on their first day of school. I hope I'll be able to do this job well and make the most of it, and also, that the bathrooms are beautiful and to my liking!
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Janmashtami 2011
Happy Janmashtami! This post is late and unfortunately this time I have no photos to upload but let me tell you something you already know - it was breathtakingly beautiful.
The best part was that I got to take my grandmother and uncle with me. I have been so eager for them to come and see the empty halls that become beautiful with the presence of Krishna, His associates and His devotees. It truly is the Lord's mercy because I am always keen to take my grandmother out on festivals but I don't always get the chance to do so.
Anyway, we couldn't stay very long so we just planned to take darshan. And I also desperately wanted some of that glorious charnamrit! Yum yum. So we entered the hall, and I was feeling good to be amongst devotees again after so long in this festive atmosphere. Then I started to hear the kirtan that was going on, and my heart started to swell. We took darshan of Krishna and I found tears in my eyes. How does this happen? Everytime I go to the hall feeling normal and fine and when the kirtan starts and Krishna appears before me in His infinite glory, I am just taken in. Then I want to stare and stare and beg Him to love me even though I know He does. I wanted to stay there forever. It just felt so amazing to be there!
Darshan ended quickly as there was a really big crowd so we had to keep moving. Then we got amazing prasadam and I got my long desired charnamrit! Ooh I can taste it now. I never liked it before but now I am just crazy about it! It's the best!
There were many devotees doing seva like handing out gifts, prasadam, and keeping everyone's shoes/sandals in a bag. It was so endearing to see little kids of 10 years doing their bit to help out. The Lord is so merciful that He has engaged them in serving Him like this. When we were taking back our sandals, this one devotee did something so sweet. The person volunteering to give back sandals emptied out the bag and so our sandals were on the floor. My grandmother turned over my sandals and I wore them and the next thing I knew, I saw a devotee bending down turning over my grandmother's sandals and helping her wear them! She didn't really need the help but he thought she did and without hesitation he proceeded to help her. Now this was truly amazing for me to see because since I have OCD, the idea of touching shoes and sandals, that too someone else's, really puts me in an anxious state. And here was this devotee of the Lord, looking to serve another devotee. And he wasn't worrying about germs. He didn't care that they were someone else's sandals. To him, he just wanted to serve and help. My grandmother too was touched by the act. I was simply amazed. It's really true what they say about kind deeds - no matter how small they are, they sure do go a long way. I have no idea who that devotee is but may Krishna bless his heart.
This Janmashtami reminded me that I needed to spend more time with Krishna and it also gave me something to think about with regards to my OCD. Sometime ago, I was praying for good health and I felt like something inside me said that on Janmashtami, the birth of Krishna, I will also have a new birth. I took this to mean that all my health problems will go away since that's what I was praying for at the time. But now I'm starting to think perhaps it was more a spiritual rebirth. Maybe the idea of rebirth was just in my head and not really the Lord promising me something, but on Janmashtami, I realized that I still have a connection with Krishna even though I haven't spent a lot of time with Him lately and He is still resting in my heart. I haven't felt an emotional connection with Him in a long time, and that was just a such nice gift from Him on Janmashtami. Moreover, it was really crazy the things I had to do that day! Like walking barefeet! That is something I haven't done in a really long time because obviously I dread the idea of germs even on my feet. But the Lord gave me enough strength to do it. And later, a flower they gave us at the program fell on the floor, and of course, I dread picking up things that have fallen on the floor. Even if I pick them, I try not to touch the part that touched the ground. But this was a flower. Plus it was used in Krishna's service. If anything, instead of becoming dirty, it would purify me. So I picked it up and didn't bother about which side had touched the ground. Again, my strength comes from Krishna. He says in the Gita that He is the strength of the strong, and the only way I can be strong is through Him. So you see, He helps me in these ways to get over my fears, and from time to time, he rekindles our relationship tirelessly, despite the countless number of times that I put the flame out. And I know that He will always do so for us, out of His unconditional love.
I hope all of you had a blessed Janmashtami too. Share your Janmashtami stories in the comments section if you please :)
The best part was that I got to take my grandmother and uncle with me. I have been so eager for them to come and see the empty halls that become beautiful with the presence of Krishna, His associates and His devotees. It truly is the Lord's mercy because I am always keen to take my grandmother out on festivals but I don't always get the chance to do so.
Anyway, we couldn't stay very long so we just planned to take darshan. And I also desperately wanted some of that glorious charnamrit! Yum yum. So we entered the hall, and I was feeling good to be amongst devotees again after so long in this festive atmosphere. Then I started to hear the kirtan that was going on, and my heart started to swell. We took darshan of Krishna and I found tears in my eyes. How does this happen? Everytime I go to the hall feeling normal and fine and when the kirtan starts and Krishna appears before me in His infinite glory, I am just taken in. Then I want to stare and stare and beg Him to love me even though I know He does. I wanted to stay there forever. It just felt so amazing to be there!
Darshan ended quickly as there was a really big crowd so we had to keep moving. Then we got amazing prasadam and I got my long desired charnamrit! Ooh I can taste it now. I never liked it before but now I am just crazy about it! It's the best!
There were many devotees doing seva like handing out gifts, prasadam, and keeping everyone's shoes/sandals in a bag. It was so endearing to see little kids of 10 years doing their bit to help out. The Lord is so merciful that He has engaged them in serving Him like this. When we were taking back our sandals, this one devotee did something so sweet. The person volunteering to give back sandals emptied out the bag and so our sandals were on the floor. My grandmother turned over my sandals and I wore them and the next thing I knew, I saw a devotee bending down turning over my grandmother's sandals and helping her wear them! She didn't really need the help but he thought she did and without hesitation he proceeded to help her. Now this was truly amazing for me to see because since I have OCD, the idea of touching shoes and sandals, that too someone else's, really puts me in an anxious state. And here was this devotee of the Lord, looking to serve another devotee. And he wasn't worrying about germs. He didn't care that they were someone else's sandals. To him, he just wanted to serve and help. My grandmother too was touched by the act. I was simply amazed. It's really true what they say about kind deeds - no matter how small they are, they sure do go a long way. I have no idea who that devotee is but may Krishna bless his heart.
This Janmashtami reminded me that I needed to spend more time with Krishna and it also gave me something to think about with regards to my OCD. Sometime ago, I was praying for good health and I felt like something inside me said that on Janmashtami, the birth of Krishna, I will also have a new birth. I took this to mean that all my health problems will go away since that's what I was praying for at the time. But now I'm starting to think perhaps it was more a spiritual rebirth. Maybe the idea of rebirth was just in my head and not really the Lord promising me something, but on Janmashtami, I realized that I still have a connection with Krishna even though I haven't spent a lot of time with Him lately and He is still resting in my heart. I haven't felt an emotional connection with Him in a long time, and that was just a such nice gift from Him on Janmashtami. Moreover, it was really crazy the things I had to do that day! Like walking barefeet! That is something I haven't done in a really long time because obviously I dread the idea of germs even on my feet. But the Lord gave me enough strength to do it. And later, a flower they gave us at the program fell on the floor, and of course, I dread picking up things that have fallen on the floor. Even if I pick them, I try not to touch the part that touched the ground. But this was a flower. Plus it was used in Krishna's service. If anything, instead of becoming dirty, it would purify me. So I picked it up and didn't bother about which side had touched the ground. Again, my strength comes from Krishna. He says in the Gita that He is the strength of the strong, and the only way I can be strong is through Him. So you see, He helps me in these ways to get over my fears, and from time to time, he rekindles our relationship tirelessly, despite the countless number of times that I put the flame out. And I know that He will always do so for us, out of His unconditional love.
I hope all of you had a blessed Janmashtami too. Share your Janmashtami stories in the comments section if you please :)
OCD: "The 30-Second Pause" + "I will worry about you later!"
I am pleased to say that the anxiety is getting easier to handle. Thank You, Lord. But my body seems to be feeling ill and I need some rest and recuperation.
Anyway, I have come up with a new technique to stop thoughts turning into obsessions which I like to call "30 Second Pause". In Psychology 101, we learned that it takes about 30 seconds to move information from our short term memories into our long term memories. So when a thought occurs to me, I try to think about something else as soon as I have the thought. Sometimes I even simply count from 1-30 with full concentration. Sometimes, counting in another language helps concentrate better. I try to keep myself thinking about something else for 30 seconds at least. And usually, this works for me. Even if the thought recurs, it is not as obsessive and I don't dwell on it for days. And when the thought recurs, distract yourself again for at least 30 seconds. It prevents the thoughts from shifting into your long term memory so it makes it rather easier to forget. Think about it this way - when you're studying for an exam, you keep repeating the information until you memorize it. And you can often remember this for months and years. That's what I think happens with obsessive thoughts - thinking about it constantly just leads to thinking about it more and then it stores itself in our long term memory so even weeks and months (sometimes years) later I still remember things that caused me stress and anxiety. If it's hard for you to distract yourself for long, then try with 10 seconds first and then gradually work your way up. Obviously the longer the better!
Another neat technique is telling yourself that you will worry about it later. This really helps! Because it's like, I'm not denying myself from thinking about it. There is a problem, and I am only trying to solve it by working it out in my head. So if I tell myself to stop thinking about it, the problem is going to nag me even more saying, "Solve me! Solve me!" So I just say, "Yes yes I will get it you but in a while!" So you keep delaying the thoughts, saying you will worry about it later. Again, it's like studying for an exam. If you say, "I'm not going to study," you will end up stressing out even more because how can you afford to not study for an exam? But if you say, "I will study in an hour," it makes you feel in control and like you've got a plan. And OCD is pretty much about control issues isn't it? So at first, tell yourself you will worry about it 10 minutes later, and then gradually increase the delay. It's sort of like procrastinating about worrying. When the thoughts come back, again say you will worry about it later. Soon you will forget about it!
The thoughts will definitely keep recurring so keep using these tricks to push them out whenever you have the thoughts. Both of these tricks have proven to be very useful for me. It takes practice of course and some times it's harder than usual, but perseverence is key!
Anyway, I have come up with a new technique to stop thoughts turning into obsessions which I like to call "30 Second Pause". In Psychology 101, we learned that it takes about 30 seconds to move information from our short term memories into our long term memories. So when a thought occurs to me, I try to think about something else as soon as I have the thought. Sometimes I even simply count from 1-30 with full concentration. Sometimes, counting in another language helps concentrate better. I try to keep myself thinking about something else for 30 seconds at least. And usually, this works for me. Even if the thought recurs, it is not as obsessive and I don't dwell on it for days. And when the thought recurs, distract yourself again for at least 30 seconds. It prevents the thoughts from shifting into your long term memory so it makes it rather easier to forget. Think about it this way - when you're studying for an exam, you keep repeating the information until you memorize it. And you can often remember this for months and years. That's what I think happens with obsessive thoughts - thinking about it constantly just leads to thinking about it more and then it stores itself in our long term memory so even weeks and months (sometimes years) later I still remember things that caused me stress and anxiety. If it's hard for you to distract yourself for long, then try with 10 seconds first and then gradually work your way up. Obviously the longer the better!
Another neat technique is telling yourself that you will worry about it later. This really helps! Because it's like, I'm not denying myself from thinking about it. There is a problem, and I am only trying to solve it by working it out in my head. So if I tell myself to stop thinking about it, the problem is going to nag me even more saying, "Solve me! Solve me!" So I just say, "Yes yes I will get it you but in a while!" So you keep delaying the thoughts, saying you will worry about it later. Again, it's like studying for an exam. If you say, "I'm not going to study," you will end up stressing out even more because how can you afford to not study for an exam? But if you say, "I will study in an hour," it makes you feel in control and like you've got a plan. And OCD is pretty much about control issues isn't it? So at first, tell yourself you will worry about it 10 minutes later, and then gradually increase the delay. It's sort of like procrastinating about worrying. When the thoughts come back, again say you will worry about it later. Soon you will forget about it!
The thoughts will definitely keep recurring so keep using these tricks to push them out whenever you have the thoughts. Both of these tricks have proven to be very useful for me. It takes practice of course and some times it's harder than usual, but perseverence is key!
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
OCD: The Way You Make Me Feel
Oh OCD, the way you make me feel is terrible.
After a couple of good days and some successful exposures, I feel rather distressed today. Because it feels like my life is stuck. It feels like my life is on hold. Everyone around me has got a job and they're earning good money, they're on their way making something of their lives. Yet here I am, having graduated 7 months ago, sitting here, doing nothing. I have been rejecting interviews because there is no way I can handle a day job that requires waking up early in the morning. My morning rituals take up way too much time. Up until last month I was still ready to take up a job but then I developed new obsessions which makes it impossible now.
In fact, I was even being offered a job but I missed the interview because that day, OCD took control. I guess it's a good thing I didn't go for that interview because I wouldn't have been able to commit anyway. Either I take a job and die trying to make it there on time (which means waking up at 2 AM to be at work by 8/9 AM) or I wait until I get fired for being consistently late. Of course, that's if I never go crazy and die of anxiety in the workplace first.
But this just feels devastating. I worked hard for good grades in school and university. And that's it. Nothing after that for the last 7 months. When am I going to start working towards building a career for myself? I don't want to live off of my parents' money forever. I want to be independent.
While others are revelling in the success of their new careers, I am getting thrilled with my success of being able to pick something off the floor. What the hell is going to become of my life?
I feel like such a burden to my family and close friends who know I have OCD. I already felt like a burden because I'm vegetarian and my friends would always have to reconsider things like eating at restaurants so that even I could eat. Now its like I can't go anywhere that doesn't have a good clean toilet, I can't pick up things they drop, can't help them cook (afraid of bacteria in raw food)... Sometimes they even have to do things for me like open doors because I won't touch the doorknob or pick things up off the floor. I feel like such a pain. Everyone's worried about me and trying to help. They listen and they try to understand what I'm going through. But for how long will they listen? They're going to get tired soon enough and they're going to get fed up on my constant doubting and whining and anxiety. Sigh, I feel alone and tired of all this.
God, I just wish I could curl up and die. Or sleep. And wake up, free of OCD. I really wish Krishna would fix me up soon... But I need to wait until the time is right. So tired of feeling incapable. Hopefully, this feeling of devastation will subside soon enough. Help me, God. I have no one but You.
After a couple of good days and some successful exposures, I feel rather distressed today. Because it feels like my life is stuck. It feels like my life is on hold. Everyone around me has got a job and they're earning good money, they're on their way making something of their lives. Yet here I am, having graduated 7 months ago, sitting here, doing nothing. I have been rejecting interviews because there is no way I can handle a day job that requires waking up early in the morning. My morning rituals take up way too much time. Up until last month I was still ready to take up a job but then I developed new obsessions which makes it impossible now.
In fact, I was even being offered a job but I missed the interview because that day, OCD took control. I guess it's a good thing I didn't go for that interview because I wouldn't have been able to commit anyway. Either I take a job and die trying to make it there on time (which means waking up at 2 AM to be at work by 8/9 AM) or I wait until I get fired for being consistently late. Of course, that's if I never go crazy and die of anxiety in the workplace first.
But this just feels devastating. I worked hard for good grades in school and university. And that's it. Nothing after that for the last 7 months. When am I going to start working towards building a career for myself? I don't want to live off of my parents' money forever. I want to be independent.
While others are revelling in the success of their new careers, I am getting thrilled with my success of being able to pick something off the floor. What the hell is going to become of my life?
I feel like such a burden to my family and close friends who know I have OCD. I already felt like a burden because I'm vegetarian and my friends would always have to reconsider things like eating at restaurants so that even I could eat. Now its like I can't go anywhere that doesn't have a good clean toilet, I can't pick up things they drop, can't help them cook (afraid of bacteria in raw food)... Sometimes they even have to do things for me like open doors because I won't touch the doorknob or pick things up off the floor. I feel like such a pain. Everyone's worried about me and trying to help. They listen and they try to understand what I'm going through. But for how long will they listen? They're going to get tired soon enough and they're going to get fed up on my constant doubting and whining and anxiety. Sigh, I feel alone and tired of all this.
God, I just wish I could curl up and die. Or sleep. And wake up, free of OCD. I really wish Krishna would fix me up soon... But I need to wait until the time is right. So tired of feeling incapable. Hopefully, this feeling of devastation will subside soon enough. Help me, God. I have no one but You.
Thursday, 14 July 2011
OCD: Observations
I feel like I've forgotten how to do the simplest of things, like washing my hands, putting on socks, taking a shower... It all feels so different and like I've never done it before. I'm concentrating so much on my every move, trying so hard not to make mistakes and to get it done right. I want to let myself go and just do these things without a second thought, the way I used to.
But how?
I need to relearn things. I need to pretend like I'm a child, and I need to be taught this stuff all over again. And I figure the way to do that is through observation. I've been looking at people around me and trying to imitate them. It's hard, so I try to start with the simple things. Like for instance, I see people drop things on the floor and pick it up. When I drop something on the floor, I will either get someone else to pick it up; or pick it up and then clean my hands; or just leave it there; or get tissues and pick it up and clean the object. No one else does this! By looking at others so easily pick things up off the floor, I figured I ought to be able to do it too. So I made progress with that - I would be able to pick up things but I wouldn't touch the part of it that touched the floor, and I would make sure not to touch the floor with my hands by mistake.
So my plan is to watch others and see how they go about doing things and try to copy them so I can sort of re-learn how to do things. Some things I'd like to eventually be able to do:
Even watching people wash hands has helped a little. Earlier I would panic so much if my hands touched the edge of the sink (it never did by the way - I just keep thinking that it does). But once I watched someone wash their hands and not bother if their hands touched the edge of the sink. That made me feel lighter about it happening, which never does but it makes me feel safe to know that it's okay if it ever does happen one day. Watching people do these things is helpful - it somehow lets me know that if I do the same thing, I'll be just as clean as them. I really just envy how others can feel so clean and I just feel filthy all the time.
What simply amazes me is that people can wash their hands in 30 seconds and I'm in there for 10-15 minutes just washing my hands! Yeah, you bet I'm exhausted!
Sigh. It's been a long few months dealing with all of this every day. But giving up is not the answer. I reckon I'll post a list of my observations when I have enough and then pick some for exposure. These are such small simple things that have become so hard to do. But one day my friends, one day. I need to pick a thing to expose myself to every now and then and keep building it up. Observe. And then expose.
Got it. Not.
Well, we'll see.
But how?
I need to relearn things. I need to pretend like I'm a child, and I need to be taught this stuff all over again. And I figure the way to do that is through observation. I've been looking at people around me and trying to imitate them. It's hard, so I try to start with the simple things. Like for instance, I see people drop things on the floor and pick it up. When I drop something on the floor, I will either get someone else to pick it up; or pick it up and then clean my hands; or just leave it there; or get tissues and pick it up and clean the object. No one else does this! By looking at others so easily pick things up off the floor, I figured I ought to be able to do it too. So I made progress with that - I would be able to pick up things but I wouldn't touch the part of it that touched the floor, and I would make sure not to touch the floor with my hands by mistake.
So my plan is to watch others and see how they go about doing things and try to copy them so I can sort of re-learn how to do things. Some things I'd like to eventually be able to do:
- Pick things off the floor
Walk barefeet at home
Not care if my pants touch the floor
Not care if I touch the soles of my shoes
Even watching people wash hands has helped a little. Earlier I would panic so much if my hands touched the edge of the sink (it never did by the way - I just keep thinking that it does). But once I watched someone wash their hands and not bother if their hands touched the edge of the sink. That made me feel lighter about it happening, which never does but it makes me feel safe to know that it's okay if it ever does happen one day. Watching people do these things is helpful - it somehow lets me know that if I do the same thing, I'll be just as clean as them. I really just envy how others can feel so clean and I just feel filthy all the time.
What simply amazes me is that people can wash their hands in 30 seconds and I'm in there for 10-15 minutes just washing my hands! Yeah, you bet I'm exhausted!
Sigh. It's been a long few months dealing with all of this every day. But giving up is not the answer. I reckon I'll post a list of my observations when I have enough and then pick some for exposure. These are such small simple things that have become so hard to do. But one day my friends, one day. I need to pick a thing to expose myself to every now and then and keep building it up. Observe. And then expose.
Got it. Not.
Well, we'll see.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
OCD: New Obsessions
"For the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate and very strong, O Krsna, and to subdue it is, it seems to me, more difficult than controlling the wind. " - Bhagavad Gita 6:34
Right you are, Arjuna. The mind is a crazy, crazy thing.
There is some good news and some bad news. The good news is that some OCD worries I had before have diminished and don't bother me as much anymore. The bad news is that I have new obsessive and intrusive thoughts that are serving as a replacement. That's what's making my older worries seem less important. Needless to say, I spend hours trying to rationalize with the new obsessions.
So this new obsession is that I am constantly worrying I have accidentally dirtied myself and didn't realize it. So I am always feeling dirty, showering for a very long time and sleeping uncomfortably. Before, at least I used to feel clean after showering. Now, I feel dirty even after I have just stepped out of the shower. As a result, my body is always tense and really tired and stressed.
So I feel like it's back to square 1. Water splashing up on me from the sink seems so unimportant in light of this new worry. I met with my counselor and we're going back to basics - I need to relax.
So we've been working on visualizing relaxing scenes, deep/diaphragmatic breathing and Mindfulness Meditation. For the first week, it was working well, helping me sleep easily and calming me down. At the beginning I was able to calm my racing thoughts after a few deep breaths.
When reading posts by others who have the same worries I do, something a poster said really got to me: sometimes, some things you just need to ignore because you know it's not true.
Thinking this really helps but it's so hard to ignore! My mind's going all, "do you really want to risk the chance? It's better to be safe than sorry! What if it really happened this time but you didn't notice?" And gosh, all of this is just such a big lie! It's really hard to ignore these thoughts but it's got to be done, otherwise I'm just going to end up feeding these worries more and more and fueling them. Deep breathing and the other relaxation strategies helped clear my mind, and gave me a few minutes of rationalization to fight off these lies my mind tries to feed me. Deep breathing really worked so well! My therapist says that it supplies our body with more oxygen and forces us to relax. That's just grand. Being relaxed and feeling good and happy makes it easier to fight off compulsive urges, I've noticed.
Krishna Himself agrees that the mind (and senses) are very difficult to tame. So what's the solution?
"The easiest way to control the mind, as suggested by Lord Caitanya, is chanting "Hare Krsna," the great mantra for deliverance, in all humility. The method prescribed is sa vai manah krsna-padaravindayoh: one must engage one's mind fully in Krsna. Only then will there remain no other engagements to agitate the mind." - Srila Prabhupada, BG 6:34 Purport
Unfortunately, my mind is such a wild monkey swinging from branch to branch that it is blind to the beautiful flower that is Krishna. Nevertheless, in 6:35 Krishna says constant practice and determination is the key and I believe Him. One day, this agitated mind will see that there is no need to be so agitated and it will come to rest at Krishna's feet.
Right you are, Arjuna. The mind is a crazy, crazy thing.
There is some good news and some bad news. The good news is that some OCD worries I had before have diminished and don't bother me as much anymore. The bad news is that I have new obsessive and intrusive thoughts that are serving as a replacement. That's what's making my older worries seem less important. Needless to say, I spend hours trying to rationalize with the new obsessions.
So this new obsession is that I am constantly worrying I have accidentally dirtied myself and didn't realize it. So I am always feeling dirty, showering for a very long time and sleeping uncomfortably. Before, at least I used to feel clean after showering. Now, I feel dirty even after I have just stepped out of the shower. As a result, my body is always tense and really tired and stressed.
So I feel like it's back to square 1. Water splashing up on me from the sink seems so unimportant in light of this new worry. I met with my counselor and we're going back to basics - I need to relax.
So we've been working on visualizing relaxing scenes, deep/diaphragmatic breathing and Mindfulness Meditation. For the first week, it was working well, helping me sleep easily and calming me down. At the beginning I was able to calm my racing thoughts after a few deep breaths.
When reading posts by others who have the same worries I do, something a poster said really got to me: sometimes, some things you just need to ignore because you know it's not true.
Thinking this really helps but it's so hard to ignore! My mind's going all, "do you really want to risk the chance? It's better to be safe than sorry! What if it really happened this time but you didn't notice?" And gosh, all of this is just such a big lie! It's really hard to ignore these thoughts but it's got to be done, otherwise I'm just going to end up feeding these worries more and more and fueling them. Deep breathing and the other relaxation strategies helped clear my mind, and gave me a few minutes of rationalization to fight off these lies my mind tries to feed me. Deep breathing really worked so well! My therapist says that it supplies our body with more oxygen and forces us to relax. That's just grand. Being relaxed and feeling good and happy makes it easier to fight off compulsive urges, I've noticed.
Krishna Himself agrees that the mind (and senses) are very difficult to tame. So what's the solution?
"The easiest way to control the mind, as suggested by Lord Caitanya, is chanting "Hare Krsna," the great mantra for deliverance, in all humility. The method prescribed is sa vai manah krsna-padaravindayoh: one must engage one's mind fully in Krsna. Only then will there remain no other engagements to agitate the mind." - Srila Prabhupada, BG 6:34 Purport
Unfortunately, my mind is such a wild monkey swinging from branch to branch that it is blind to the beautiful flower that is Krishna. Nevertheless, in 6:35 Krishna says constant practice and determination is the key and I believe Him. One day, this agitated mind will see that there is no need to be so agitated and it will come to rest at Krishna's feet.
Thursday, 16 June 2011
OCD: Distraction
I'm pretty sure most of you will be able to relate when I say I don't remember what it's like to feel normal anymore; I have no idea what normal people would do in given situations, how they would react to things, and their perception of things. I have forgotten simple things like washing my hands, using the bathroom, taking a shower, picking up something off the floor, putting on pants, putting on socks... Who even thinks when performing these actions? It's all done so subconsciously, right? But for those of us with OCD, simple behaviors require tremendous thinking, planning and finally, execution. And by execution, I don't just mean execution of the action. I also mean EXECUTION! as in "Off with yer head!" It makes me feel like I'm going to die! It kills me to perform these actions! Why on earth is it so stressful?!
Here are some of the thoughts that run through my head when I wash my hands:
Here are some of the thoughts that run through my head when I wash my hands:
Friday, 3 June 2011
OCD: "Thought Records"
In my first counseling session, I was just told to try to relax and take some of the pressure off. I needed to sleep better, and avoid tiring and stressing myself out. So after telling me that it was okay to feel the way I was feeling and do the things I was doing, I was told that I needed to take some steps to get better. I needed to realize that I ought to stop, but not suddenly as that would put too much pressure on me, which is what I had been doing by trying to force myself to stop. That's why the counselor kept insisting that it was all okay for me to be like this. I needed to take small steps. Baby steps. Itsy bitsy baby steps. If I tried to run when I couldn't even walk, I'd be flat on the ground.
In the next session, I was given these sheets to fill out, called "Thought Records." It contained the following 4 questions:
Saturday, 21 May 2011
OCD: Lesson #1 - Take The Pressure Off
When I first met my counselor, I was under tremendous stress. The fact that things got so unbearable was what pushed me to set an appointment with the counselor. I was crying after showers, after using the washroom, if my towel fell on the floor... My life had just stopped. I just felt like everything was dirty all the time. I felt like everything had been put on hold. And the 2 simple words the counselor told me just took the stress off.
"It's okay."
It's okay. IT'S OKAY. Damn right, it's okay! Why shouldn't it be okay? After days and weeks and months of struggling with trying to be superclean, and telling myself to just stop washing my hands so much, stop trying to clean so much, to just be normal... just hearing that it was okay to be the way I was being made me feel so much better.
"It's okay."
It's okay. IT'S OKAY. Damn right, it's okay! Why shouldn't it be okay? After days and weeks and months of struggling with trying to be superclean, and telling myself to just stop washing my hands so much, stop trying to clean so much, to just be normal... just hearing that it was okay to be the way I was being made me feel so much better.
Friday, 20 May 2011
OCD: The Beginning
I have 'Contamination OCD' and so, I am deathly afraid of germs and getting dirty. I am not afraid of getting ill or getting a disease. I just simply don't like the "ick" factor. I don't like the feeling of being 'dirty'. I am very concerned about cross-contamination as well, so basically, if A is dirty and it comes into contact with B, and then B comes into contact with C, then C is also dirty.
I find washrooms, bins, floors, shoes, and washing machines repulsive.
When I feel dirty, I start to feel very anxious and I have to clean as soon as possible, or else I won't be able to think about or do anything else until I have cleaned. I panic and stress out a lot when I feel dirty, which results in me crying, feeling upset, and sometimes, hitting something (usually myself). I wash my hands repeatedly and shower for a very long time. I use tons of cleaning/sanitizing products and I cannot imagine doing without them anymore.
All of this began some months ago, sometime in November-December 2010. Somehow, I kept feeling drops of water splashing on me (when there was water running and even when there wasn't). It would make me feel dirty and I would end up washing my hands and arms again and again.
I find washrooms, bins, floors, shoes, and washing machines repulsive.
When I feel dirty, I start to feel very anxious and I have to clean as soon as possible, or else I won't be able to think about or do anything else until I have cleaned. I panic and stress out a lot when I feel dirty, which results in me crying, feeling upset, and sometimes, hitting something (usually myself). I wash my hands repeatedly and shower for a very long time. I use tons of cleaning/sanitizing products and I cannot imagine doing without them anymore.
All of this began some months ago, sometime in November-December 2010. Somehow, I kept feeling drops of water splashing on me (when there was water running and even when there wasn't). It would make me feel dirty and I would end up washing my hands and arms again and again.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
I went to the psychiatrist a week ago, after going through a few days of horrible stress and anxiety. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD, and he also said some stuff that I totally don't believe. He said I was going to have OCD forever! No way, dude. He said my case was really severe, which it isn't. I would say it's at a moderate level. Even my therapist said that it's not that severe. I felt like he was exaggerating my situation. He prescribed medication but I'm not willing to take them because of the awful side effects. Therapy seems to be working fine for me so I'm going to stick to that.
I plan to post entries about my experiences with OCD, and about the extremely helpful advice that my counsellor gives me, so that others can perhaps also benefit from it.
I plan to post entries about my experiences with OCD, and about the extremely helpful advice that my counsellor gives me, so that others can perhaps also benefit from it.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Krishna, The Prankster
My uncle has been here in Dubai for about 2 months on a visit visa, looking for a job. So of course, I have been praying to Krishna for him. Last weekend, while praying, I got the feeling that he would get the job on the following Sunday. Sunday came and went but he was still unemployed. I thought maybe I had been mistaken. Maybe Krishna didn't really promise me he would get a job on Sunday, but it was merely my own hopes projected onto Krishna.
That same week, on Wednesday morning, an aunt called up my uncle and told him she had seen a job vacancy online, at Emirates.
That same week, on Wednesday morning, an aunt called up my uncle and told him she had seen a job vacancy online, at Emirates.
Monday, 28 March 2011
Fearlessness II: Protection
Looks like Krishna is upto His little games again! After my last post about being fearless, in the next 2-3 days I received an email from a friend about Krishna's protection. 'Coincidences' like these are really not uncommon! Krishna enjoys playing with us like this. I'm sure some of you have also experienced this. Things just happen, bits of highly relevant information come your way, or sometimes your thoughts materialize... and all you can say is, "Wow, great timing!" Our glorious Mastermind is behind all of this! Here is the email I received:
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Fearlessness
Fear.
How many of us are constantly living in fear? Fear of failure, of the future, of rejection, of uncertainty, of growing old, of getting sick, of death... As natural as these events may be, as inevitable as they may be, we are all still afraid. Why is all of this so terrifying? More importantly, how can we overcome this fear? How can we face this demon of fear head-on, and come out on top?
How many of us are constantly living in fear? Fear of failure, of the future, of rejection, of uncertainty, of growing old, of getting sick, of death... As natural as these events may be, as inevitable as they may be, we are all still afraid. Why is all of this so terrifying? More importantly, how can we overcome this fear? How can we face this demon of fear head-on, and come out on top?
Saturday, 19 March 2011
Gaura Purnima 2011
Happy Gaura Purnima and Happy Holi, all of you!
Gaura Purnima marks the birthday and appearance of our dear Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. There was a nice celebration here today for Gaura Purnima. I stepped into the Sindhi Hall and I could hear some verses being chanted. I climbed the stairs to get to the second floor. The chanting was getting louder and clearer. As I climbed the stairs, I realized that the glorious Bramha Samhita was being chanted. Oh, my heart longed to go closer and closer! I found my pace quicken as I climbed the stairs.
Gaura Purnima marks the birthday and appearance of our dear Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. There was a nice celebration here today for Gaura Purnima. I stepped into the Sindhi Hall and I could hear some verses being chanted. I climbed the stairs to get to the second floor. The chanting was getting louder and clearer. As I climbed the stairs, I realized that the glorious Bramha Samhita was being chanted. Oh, my heart longed to go closer and closer! I found my pace quicken as I climbed the stairs.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Prayer Request for Me
The OCD came back. Note that I have not been diagnosed by a doctor as yet but I'm pretty sure I'm behaving in a way that's not normal. So whether it's really OCD or not, this urge to keep cleaning is causing me terrible distress and anxiety. I can't do normal things anymore. It feels like I've forgotten how to do simple things like wash my hands. I have to wash my hands at least 7-8 times in the same session till I feel clean or till it's done perfectly. Although washing 7-8 times is not the minimum. Washing up in the morning takes about 30-45 minutes. Sometimes it takes an hour. Showering takes an hour and a half. I avoid going out as much as I can. I'm not afraid of getting sick. I'm afraid of getting dirty and of germs. I also use a lot of hand sanitizer and sanitizing wipes. It's so tiring and stressful.
I humbly request readers to pray for me to get better and to be able to handle this. I'm tired of the anxiety that comes from this and how much it makes me panic. I'm tired of being ashamed, and of how people look at me like I'm weird. I really just want to feel normal again and be able to do normal things. I am currently reading some self-help books but more than all of that, I need the mercy of all of you devotees who are so dear to Krishna. I need Krishna to give me strength to face this head on and to deal with it. Krishna has the power to heal me. I am humbly asking for mercy and prayer from you.
Thanks a lot.
I humbly request readers to pray for me to get better and to be able to handle this. I'm tired of the anxiety that comes from this and how much it makes me panic. I'm tired of being ashamed, and of how people look at me like I'm weird. I really just want to feel normal again and be able to do normal things. I am currently reading some self-help books but more than all of that, I need the mercy of all of you devotees who are so dear to Krishna. I need Krishna to give me strength to face this head on and to deal with it. Krishna has the power to heal me. I am humbly asking for mercy and prayer from you.
Thanks a lot.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Miracles and Testimonies II
Here are some more nectarean miracle stories of those whose lives have been touched by Krishna :)
- "One day, while in college, I was bankrupt. I didn't have money for bus to go to college, though all I need was just 2 Rs. Surprisingly, that day, none of my friends came to my room. So, I prayed to Krishna that if you are truly there, please take me to the college. I'll not ask money from anyone...but Krishna pls somehow you should make me go to college. If you do so, I'll never ever again doubt your presence. Actually, that was the time, by the mercy of my Gurudeva, I began worshiping Krishna in His idol form. I waited in my room for a long while....
Thursday, 10 February 2011
How I came to Krishna Consciousness
I always believed in God. I always prayed. Although, when I was younger, I didn't really know much about Hinduism which is the religion I was born into. But I always knew God exists. In school, I was too young to know the difference between different religions so I ended up staying put in class when other students left to different classrooms for their respective religious classes. I ended up studying Christianity from Grade 1 to 3. I was also in a Catholic school, so I was quite accustomed to praying according to the Catholic tradition, going to church, etc. My family is also very open minded about different religions. We would all go to church together sometimes, we have an altar at home, and many different murtis. We also have posters with Islamic verses on them. Obviously, as a result, my mind became very receptive to different religious traditions and cultures.
Starting from Grade 9, we began to study Hinduism.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
How to win Krishna's heart?
"We cannot win Krishna simply by Offering Gifts, for everything belongs to Him. Krishna cannot be won even by performing Great Service, for all energy and ability stems from Him alone.
All we can offer Him in all our activities is our Pure Devotional Mentality. The Lord is known as Bhavagrahi Janardhana, or ‘The Lord who accepts the devotional attitude of His devotee.‘
This is the secret of how to win the Eternal Service of Lord Krishna."
- HH Jayapataka Swami
All we can offer Him in all our activities is our Pure Devotional Mentality. The Lord is known as Bhavagrahi Janardhana, or ‘The Lord who accepts the devotional attitude of His devotee.‘
This is the secret of how to win the Eternal Service of Lord Krishna."
- HH Jayapataka Swami
Ratha Yatra in Abu Dhabi
Ganesh said:
Do attend if you can! It will be a blast!
"There’s going to be a big jaganath ratha yatra festival on 11th Feb at ISC, Abu dhabi. Interested people may contact me at ganeshthebest@yahoo.co.in. NO MONETARY HELP REQUIRED. Only help required is participation. If interested one may also take part in cooking puri’s or mixed vegetables or sheera for the pleasure of lord and his devotees."
Do attend if you can! It will be a blast!
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
Does Krishna get angry?
See what Sankarshan Das Adhikari has to say about this:
"Krishna becomes very, very angry when His devotees are tortured. He became so angry when Hiranyakasipu was trying to kill Prahlada Maharaja that He appeared in the form of Lord Nrsimhadeva and ripped that rascal apart with His own finger nails.
If a devotee is personally insulted he remains meek and humble. But if the Lord or another devotee is insulted, he becomes angry like fire to chastise the blasphemer. Such anger is divine."
Friday, 28 January 2011
"Spiritual Surgery and Krishna's Promise" - by Sacinandana Swami
[Taken from: http://www.saranagati.net/index.php?S=3&Article=731&mpage=1]
"You can’t postpone it any longer,“ said the surgeon. "We have to do it now.“
“Okay,” I answered, “when is now?”
“As soon as you can be in the operation theater! See you, I am making the necessary preparations now,” replied my doctor.
This is how my story starts – a story, which many friends asked me to share. It is a story of protection and how a divine promise was fulfilled.
Surgery
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Prayer Request for Birken
Birken said:
"Hello,
I am very happy to find your blog, and especially this page. I am returning to Krishna Consciousness after about 6 years of being illusioned again in Maya. These past few years have been detrimental to my economic situation and I have noticed that I am being challenged in not reacting to this karma. I am requesting that a prayer be said for Krishna’s mercy, as I am now studying and praying as a Devotee again, doing all I can to be in alignment with Supreme Personality Godhead. I had been very puffed up with pride, and now see how I have allowed the ego to misguide me. Its been an amazing life lesson, but I know I have disappointed Krishna. I long to be back in his good grace, where life experience flows like honey. I work in the social enterprise sector, and I have projects that will help many people, and I very much want his blessings for their success, for the betterment of the planet. I am now doing all I do for Krishna.
Thank you with all my heart
Hare Bol
Birken"
Please pray for Birken, dear devotees. Leave your prayers in the comment section below, if you please.
"Hello,
I am very happy to find your blog, and especially this page. I am returning to Krishna Consciousness after about 6 years of being illusioned again in Maya. These past few years have been detrimental to my economic situation and I have noticed that I am being challenged in not reacting to this karma. I am requesting that a prayer be said for Krishna’s mercy, as I am now studying and praying as a Devotee again, doing all I can to be in alignment with Supreme Personality Godhead. I had been very puffed up with pride, and now see how I have allowed the ego to misguide me. Its been an amazing life lesson, but I know I have disappointed Krishna. I long to be back in his good grace, where life experience flows like honey. I work in the social enterprise sector, and I have projects that will help many people, and I very much want his blessings for their success, for the betterment of the planet. I am now doing all I do for Krishna.
Thank you with all my heart
Hare Bol
Birken"
Please pray for Birken, dear devotees. Leave your prayers in the comment section below, if you please.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Krishna's Holy Names
Haribol
I am part of a new blog called "All About Krishna". That is a sort of group/community type of blog for everyone to share their love for Krishna. Do visit :)
Here's a post I wrote for the blog recently -
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What's so special about Krishna's names? Why do we need to build our love and faith in Krishna's names? Why is chanting Krishna's holy names so important? What's so special about the names of God? Let's look at what great saints and our religious scriptures say about Krishna's names:
1. The way to self-realization
Sunday, 9 January 2011
Dream of Radhanath Swami
To what do I owe this splendid dream of a guru that I love so much?
Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling just splendid upon having seen Radhanath Swami in my dreams.
I dreamt that he had come for an event at someone's house and I was talking to him. He held my hand and he was looking at it, and I realized that I had put my watch on upside down. I said, "Oh! My watch is upside down!" And Radhanath Swami said, "Let's fix that, shall we?" He then tapped my watch with two fingers, and
Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling just splendid upon having seen Radhanath Swami in my dreams.
I dreamt that he had come for an event at someone's house and I was talking to him. He held my hand and he was looking at it, and I realized that I had put my watch on upside down. I said, "Oh! My watch is upside down!" And Radhanath Swami said, "Let's fix that, shall we?" He then tapped my watch with two fingers, and
Saturday, 8 January 2011
Kirtaniya Sada Hari
Kirtaniya sada hari: Constantly engaged in chanting the Holy Names of Lord Hari
I just came back home after an ecstatic evening. This weekend was just so incredibly Krishna Conscious. I didn't go for the event on Thursday, but I went yesterday and today.
Yesterday, HH Bhakti Brnga Govinda Maharaj sang such a beautiful kirtan. But my mind is foolish. I was so not into it. I was looking around me and everyone was just taken in by the kirtan. Why not me?
I just came back home after an ecstatic evening. This weekend was just so incredibly Krishna Conscious. I didn't go for the event on Thursday, but I went yesterday and today.
Yesterday, HH Bhakti Brnga Govinda Maharaj sang such a beautiful kirtan. But my mind is foolish. I was so not into it. I was looking around me and everyone was just taken in by the kirtan. Why not me?
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Party Weekend!
Hello hello!
Are you guys ready for a 3-day party, filled with music, dance, drama, food, and everything else that you can think of?
Starting this evening, until Saturday night, we're going to have a blissful Krishna Conscious Weekend. PARTY TIME WOOOHOOOOOOO!
Here are the details:
Are you guys ready for a 3-day party, filled with music, dance, drama, food, and everything else that you can think of?
Starting this evening, until Saturday night, we're going to have a blissful Krishna Conscious Weekend. PARTY TIME WOOOHOOOOOOO!
Here are the details:
Sunday, 2 January 2011
My First Mangal Aarti
One word: Brilliant.
I slept at around 2:30 AM last night, so I prayed to Krishna to please wake me up at 5 AM so I wouldn't miss the mangal aarti. My alarm rang at sharp 5 AM, yet my eyes weren't ready to open. I was slowly drifting off to sleep once again, when I realized I needed to be there by 5:30. So I got out of bed, woke my darling grandmother, and we started getting ready.
The sun hadn't risen yet and it was freezing.
I slept at around 2:30 AM last night, so I prayed to Krishna to please wake me up at 5 AM so I wouldn't miss the mangal aarti. My alarm rang at sharp 5 AM, yet my eyes weren't ready to open. I was slowly drifting off to sleep once again, when I realized I needed to be there by 5:30. So I got out of bed, woke my darling grandmother, and we started getting ready.
The sun hadn't risen yet and it was freezing.
Saturday, 1 January 2011
Happy New Year!
Hare Krishna, everyone!
Happy New Year!
I wish you all a wonderful and blessed year (and lifetime) filled with Krishna's love and mercy and friendship.
What gifts are you going to give Krishna for New Year's today? Here's some ideas:
Happy New Year!
I wish you all a wonderful and blessed year (and lifetime) filled with Krishna's love and mercy and friendship.
What gifts are you going to give Krishna for New Year's today? Here's some ideas:
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